Before and 5 Months After Photos

February 5, 2009. Surgery Day. 306 pounds.



July 5, 2009. 5 Months Postop. 233 pounds.

February 5, 2009. Side view. 306 pounds.

July 5, 2009. Side view. 233 pounds.

Things are going well. I'm pleased with my progress. I would be happier though if Dail would come home and share the success with me. He is proud, but it isn't the same as if he were here all the time.

Sunshine

5 Month Surgiversary

I can't believe it has already been 5 months since my gastric bypass surgery. I usually do an update on how things are going so I thought I would go ahead and do that this morning. I'm the only one up right now so I can't share any new photos but I will be sure to get some and post them later on today. So, here is where I stand at the moment. When I came home from surgery I weighed 306 pounds. I was a little lighter on the day of surgery but they pumped me full of fluids before they let me go home. Today I weighed 233 pounds. That is a 73 pound loss since surgery. I'm very happy with that. It looks like I will meet my goal for my 6 month check-up next month. I only have 3 pounds to go to meet that goal. My highest weight, before I began the 6 months supervised diet before surgery was 323 pounds. Since that time I have lost 90 pounds. This number makes me feel great that I've almost lost 100 pounds. I also do my measurements on my surgiversary. I've lost a total of 43 inches. I measure my waist, hips, bust, right and left upper arms, right and left upper thighs and my neck. I know many people measure absolutely everything and can count more inches lost but these are the important places for me.

Total different subject...a dear new friend on OH has recommended to me to rent "Fireproof" for me and Dail to watch together. I'm planning to do this on Tuesday night when he comes for dinner. There was just too much going on to be able to do that this weekend. I did already order the book on which the movie is based "The Love Dare". I ordered a copy for Dail too in the hopes that he might go through it with me. The book has a lesson to be learned each day about how to truly love your spouse in a Christian manner. I read the first lesson this morning and boy did it hit home. It is about "Love is patient." I'm am one of the most impatient people in the world and a lot of the conflicts Dail and I have had recently is because of my impatience with waiting for him to find himself and move back home. Deep down in my heart, I have been selfishly trying to get him to come home now when he really isn't ready. True love, biblical Godly love isn't like that. It is patient and never seeks its own. Whether Dail agrees to go through the book with me or not, I know I will learn a lot about how to be a good wife and partner and to include God in the midst of any relationship I have. If any of you have never heard of the movie or the book, and you are struggling in your marriage, please check it out. I highly recommend it.

I guess that is all for now. Photos later.

Sunshine

Sensitive Subjects

Most people are very uncomfortable about subjects such as mental illness and self-injury. I guess I'm so used to it having been a part of my life for so long that I forget how it can affect and shock other people to find out about someone like me having these problems. I just seem like an average, if somewhat troubled at the moment, middle-aged woman. It probably wasn't fair for me to just throw those things out there the way I did. I use this blog a lot just to vent my thoughts and feelings without thinking of how it might affect others. I'm sorry if I greatly disturbed or upset anyone with my casual reference to cutting. It has been a struggle with me for a long time. The first time it happened, I was 8 years old. That was a very difficult year in my young life and I was confronted for the first time with feelings I didn't know how to cope with. I won't go into details but I will say that things happened that year to turn my whole world upside down, pretty much like now. I believe the cutting then was an important indication that mental illness was beginning to take hold of me even then. No one wants to see these things in children. Back then, mental illness was an embarassing thing to talk about much less admit that it was in your own family. I repeatedly asked about seeing counselors and talking to someone but my parents were ashamed and scolded me, accusing me of trying to make them look bad and seeking attention. It didn't occur to me for years that there really is nothing wrong with seeking attention when you need help. I made it through those years mostly because even at that young age I had faith in God. I was saved very young but there were contradictions between what was said in church and what was happening in my home. It was a confusing time and I was very unhappy until I was about 14 or 15 when I was old enough to make my own choice about church and I left my parent's church and found a more open one. I was happy during that time but the underlying mental issues were always there underneath. From the time of my senior year in high school, there was nothing but ups and downs and constant emotional upheavals. This lasted through my first marriage, where I had my first complete breakdown, through my divorce where I had the second one and off and on until now. I tried many medications over the years and sometimes they worked for a while and sometimes they didn't. I was in therapy continuously. Things came to a turning point a year after my dad passed away. When he died in 2002, I fell into a depression that left me almost non-functional. I stayed in bed day after day and night after night, barely speaking to anyone. I neglected my personal hygiene and refused to take part in anything. This lasted for over a year. I was completely useless to my family. Finally, I began to have suicidal thoughts and was checked into Peninsula Mental Heath Hospital. The doctors there decided my depression wasn't plain old clinical depression as I had always been diagnosed, it was Bipolar Depression. That was the beginning of finding my true diagnosis. They treated me not just with an antidepressant but also with an antipsychotic medication. This made all the difference for me. I've been on these meds ever since and I've been completely stable. As I always thought, it has taken a major upheaval to breach my stability. Until the other night when I was overwhelmed and cut, it had been 12 years since that happened. You can imagine all the feelings that have gone along with this, what I consider a failure on my part. I never expected this to happen again. I couldn't even imagine anything happening that was so terrible that I would be that desperate to cause my internal pain to be visible on the outside. Physical pain also takes momentum away from the internal pain. I know to those who have never heard of self-injury or who have never had this problem, this makes no sense whatsoever, but this is the best explanation I can give. The physical pain causes a release of emotions that there doesn't seem to be any other outlet for. even writing here daily and pouring out my heart and my thoughts wasn't enough of a release for that intense rejection I was feeling at that moment. I am determined that this incident will not be repeated. Now that I know I'm weak again in this area, I have needed to plan certain safeguards to keep me safe. I feel so bad that it happened at all that that by itself might keep me in line, otherwise I have supervision most of the time, especially when it is time to bathe and use a razor.

Anyway, I didn't mean to upset or shock anyone and I wanted to explain this to the best of my ability. Enough for now. Maybe more later.

Out of the Darkness Shines a Light

Bethany came to sit with me today. For now I'm still under suicide watch and while I have had my moments, I'm feeling better. The mood swings are relentless though. The stress, and loss and grief of Dail leaving has triggered my Schizoaffective Disorder and now it is a matter of finding healing for myself. I will continue to pray that God will open Dail's eyes to the love he has with his family and to the love I know he still has underneath all the confusion and distance from God but it is time to do whatever it takes to get me mentally and emotionally stable again, to be able to stand on my own feet and to place all the best of my love and trust into the only one who can handle my need for unconditional love and support. God the Father.

It was a good day with Bethany and now I'm really missing her even though Dail is here for the night. He had a long hard day so I'm chilling alone in front of the TV while he snoozes a bit. I'm watching "Love Comes Softly" by Janette Oke. I'm a fan of her Christian love stories. Bethany has gone to Bristol to her husband's grandmother's funeral. It is sad for all of them. The grandmother recently had open heart bypass and while recovering was discovered to have a fast spreading lung cancer. As she proceeded with chemo, something failed with the bypass and she had a heart attack and several strokes. She was only 64. She became unresponsive a couple of days ago and then slipped away. She was living in Florida but arrangements have been made in Bristol, near here. Some of Brandon's family are a bunch of PITAs and the strain is beginning to show on Bethany, but she is determined to be there to support Brandon through this no matter how bizarre his family behaves. They will be gone until Sunday night.

While Bethany was visiting today, she was asking me about things I like to do that could help keep me busy and take my mind off the stress, depression and anxiety. All my friends have encouraged me to make my own life and become stronger, whether Dail comes back or not. I thought and thought about something to do that might bring me some joy. I finally remembered my sweet grandmother teaching me to quilt all those years ago. I love quilting. I felt starting from scratch and cutting my own pieces from a pattern might be a little overwhelming at this time. Beth mentioned that she saw some precut kits at a local bookstore so she took me there to day to check it out. They are kind of small, enough to make a decent sized throw but I wanted something bigger that I can use on the bed, so I bought two different pattern with similar colors and I'm going to alternate each square to make a larger quilt. I'm really excited to get started but after the venture into town with all the people and traffic for the 4th, I came home weary and stressed, and anxious. Panic attack strikes again. I think keeping busy at home instead of going out will be a good idea for a few weeks at least.

Thought I had a complication from surgery the last few days. It has been a while since I had a BM. Constipation is a common problem after RNY and with my erratic eating and sometimes skipping meals, it was bound to happen. Anyway, I've been concerned about a blockage because I had no results from Milk of Magnesia, an enema, and some Miralax. Finally today, I found some relief so there must be no blockage. I'm just need to eat more regularly and maybe make the Miralax a part of my routine again. What was the cure? A double dose of Milk of Magnesia. Not a pleasant subject to talk about but definitely something RNYers are concerned with occasionally.

Dail is staying until Bethany gets back on Sunday night. He won't be here most of the time though because he will be working all day tomorrow. We are planning to grill out some steaks tomorrow evening. That will be a nice treat. We had a good talk at dinner last night. We ate at Ruby Tuesday's and it was very crowded and loud. I ended up leaving for a bit but Dail came and talked me back in. Sometime crowds and noises set off my panic attacks. I enjoyed dinner and we chatted honestly about what might happen with us. He doesn't want to come home until he finds the feelings for me he used to have. He thinks it would be wrong. He also doesn't want a divorce because he believes that would be wrong too. He just wants more time to get himself together, with out me rushing him or limiting him. He honestly said he does believe God can heal us and restore his feelings. He honestly does believe it is possible things will work out and we will end up together again. He just doesn't want to be rushed and he wants more time. I agreed to back off and try to accept this new reality of living apart from him for however long it takes. I believe the Lord is teaching me patience and to trust Him through whatever will happen. I believe he is also teaching me to wait on my answer to prayer until it is in His time. I have a light of hope to hang onto now. I need to remember this everyday, no matter how low the depression takes me and colors my judgement. It has already made me hypersensitive to rejection and hurt. I've got to try harder in God's strength not to let the negativety of depression color my whole view of the big picture. That is the old me, before medication and before a greater faith in God. While I'm waiting on God, I will work as hard as I can to be the best me I can be. I want to be a good wife and a good Christian woman. Both of these will take some serious work and some grace from God.

I guess these are my feelings tonight. I hope those of you who are praying will continue to do so.

Sunshine

Trying To Accept

Last night was a very rough night. Dail and I had words and he walked out and left me again. I just coudln't handle more loss, grief or rejection and so I resorted to an old habit that I used to have when confronted with emotions I cant handle. I cut. I've mentioned before on this blog that I used to be a cutter. It hadn't happened in years until there was a minor incident right before surgery when I suspected Dail was cheating online. Turned out now that I was right but of course, my actions did nothing but make me feel worse. It has been a rough morning, facing up to my failure to be strong and avoid the self-destructive behavior I used to resort to whenever I couldn't handle things.It is the act of a person without strong faith to trust God when things get this desperate. I do have faith and I know that He will eventually either bring Dail home or help me to recover and move on. I'm just so impatient and the horrible depressed and anxious days I'm having are taking their toll on me. Last night was a reality check. Dail and I will be seeing my therapist today. I hope she won't put me in the hospital now and will let me try for a while longer but I know she will require constant supervision for me. Bethany has offered to stay with me as much as she can, but this weekend she will be going out of town for a funeral. I hope I can manage alone. Nicholas will be going with her. I'm sure Kailee will go back home before then. Anyway, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

For tonight, I will be okay. Dail stayed with me last night and he will be staying tonight as well. Tonight is dinner and grocery shopping. I kind of dread it. I still feel like going home and getting in bed and hiding under the covers until the whole thing is over. If you don't hear from me for a while, you will know I was forced to go inpatient. I'm hoping not. I'm not really suicidal. Cutting isn't really a suicide attempt. People who have never been self-injurers don't understand but cutting on the outside causes pain that you can see and others can see, whereas pain on the inside is harder to see and cope with. Physical pain can cause some release of emotions the mind and spirit just can't cope with. I have been praying daily and reading the bible looking for answers, but as Charles Stanley wrote in the book I've been reading, sometimes when we are in a trial and need God the most, He is completely silent. He advises us to wait on the Lord no matter how long it takes and to trust and pray. Waiting has never been my strong point. My heart desires this to be resolved now so that my suffering doesn't seem so endless and hopeless. I'm resolving to try harder to wait and be patient. I can't promise there wont be tears and anger and even tantrums from time to time, but I will try to do the best I can. There just seems to be no end in sight and that is so discouraging.

Sunshine

Another Very Rough Day

I've been on this emotional roller coaster for weeks now and there is no end in sight. I woke up this morning in a panic and crying uncontrollably. Once again, last night, I opened my heart to Dail and was encourged by his willingness to pray about it and his affectionate response to my pain. My bubble of hope was burst however, when he called a little while later and was the same cold, distant Dail I've been seeing these last few weeks. It belied all the things he told me when he was here. I have to wonder if in my presence, when he sees my pain, he feels the need to placate me to assuage his guilt and then when he is away he has no problem crushing me again. When he left my house last night, he left me with the impression that he intends to TRY to work this out with God and come home. When he called later, he was spouting the same old stuff about not knowing how much time it will take but thinking he will need a lot more time to make a decision. I wrote a heart-felt email today explaining my confusion about all this and expressing my anxiety and lack of hope after his call. It was a miserable night and now it is a miserable day. How long can I keep this up? Putting my life on hold while I wait endlessly for him to make up his mind? I believe he is happy playing bachelor and I'm so so tired of being dangled on a string and given just enough encouragement to keep me interested in trying to work things out. When I called him on this behavior today he accused me of using my emotions to manipulate him into coming home. Seeing my pain makes him feel guilty but does that mean I'm supposed to repress all that and pretend everything is okay with me when it isn't? He threatened me today with backing off on telling him how I feel or he will be forced to make a decision that I won't like. I don't have the endurance to be strung along like this for weeks and months on end while he is playing bachelor at the condo. If he can reconcile it with God, maybe he should go ahead and get a divorce. Then maybe I will have some resolution. It will be easier to accept that it is over and to get some help to move on than to be continually dangled on a string for his amusement and have my emotions toyed with constantly. I am feeling very used and feeling that I should stop these visits of his. I want to see him, but when he comes and then leaves, I'm devastated all over again. I appreciate you, Diane for having faith in my strength but I don't feel strong at the moment. I feel weak and helpless to change things. God seems to be absent and silent right now, letting me flounder on my own. Even if I knew for sure Dail would come back in 6 months or so, I don't think I can stand the pressure of having it all up in the air like that. I have no peace, no security, and at the moment, no hope. I don't know what else to do but to cut this off now before I'm completely destroyed. I have no more patience with him indulging himself by avoiding his responsibilities. We need him and he doesn't care. He knows all he has to do is take a step of faith and come home and God will handle the rest. He refuses because he is having too much fun reliving his childhood and fantasizing about skinny little chics who will bow to his every whim. My anger and frustration is coming back and that may be what it takes to help me walk away and reclaim some kind of life without all this pain.

Sunshine

I Appreciate The Support

Thank you, Diane and also whoever is posting anonymously. I talked to Dail last night in person and I asked him straight out if he had cheated on me. He has never been able to look me in the face and lie. He hasn't cheated physically, but he has cheated in his heart by cyber sex with one of those skinny little sluts on Second Life. He said it made him feel horrible and he hasn't done it again. That doesn't make the knowledge hurt me any less. I didn't cry in front of him, I've already given him too much power to hurt me, but I did remind him of these verses:

"You have heard it said to those of old, You shall not commit adultery, but I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery in his heart."

Matthew 5:27-28

Of course, this made him angry as did much of what I had to say. It all ended the same as usual. He wants more time to work things through. Meanwhile, the burden of everything here has fallen on me. I'm not a strong person. I never have been. My depression and anxiety are almost paralyzing at this point. The fact that he doesn't seem to care shows me that he isn't the same person I married. I vehemently believe that God can restore him to faith and to love in our marriage but I believe God won't be able to accomplish this as long as Dail is disobedient. He was wrong to walk out and run away for selfish reasons. No matter how he justifies it, God sees it and will give him no rest or peace until he brings this all before the throne. My feeling is that he is avoiding doing that because he already knows what God wants him to do and he doesn't want to hear it. Pure disobedience. My fear is that I know God only gives people so many chances, and then he turns them over to their lust and selfishness. Dail doesn't realize he is throwing away everything that was once so important to him for a fantasy that will probably never be realized. He can never find real peace or happiness as long as he is living contrary to God's will and commands. The really unforgiveable part is that he is forcing me to go on government aid, because he wants more money for himself. I believe by forcing me to do this he is causing me to sin also. He can more than support us but not if he wants to live selfishly and alone. Still, to keep the house, as long as he is hiding from the responsibility, I have no choice. I can not tell you the humiliation it costs me to apply for SSI again. I legitimately am disabled but it feels so wrong when Dail could simply step up to the plate and support us if he would only do the right thing. He doesn't seem very interested in the right thing anymore. He intends to stay away until he knows what he wants. I think he already knows what he wants but it doesn't jibe with what God wants.

So, Dail is taking his time, trying to find a loophole in God's Word, so he can get out with a clear conscience. I told him last night that each day away from him is breaking a piece of me away and eventually there will be nothing but pieces left that cant be fixed. He seems willing to take the risk. This wall between us now, even though it is for my protection, also makes me unable to show him the affection and love I once did. I just can't risk getting close to him until I feel I can trust him again. My heart is too fragile. It will take someone worthy and very special to make me feel free to open my heart that way again. Dail is the last person I ever thought would do this to me. He simply isn't the Christian man I married anymore. And you are right, Diane. There is nothing more I can do to help. I will just have to protect myself and pray.

Sunshine