Sunshine's Heart

Sunday Morning Again

2012-02-12T12:36:00.000-05:00

I've been up for a while but just didn't feel like blogging until now. I am finally feeling a little human. I was up a little late last night but still was in bed earlier than Dail. He was interested in a movie and wanted to stay up and watch it. I read myself to sleep and woke about 8 this morning.

It is a sunny and beautiful day here today but very cold. I don't think Dail and I will be going out. I am trying to stay busy so as not to eat all day but it is tough going. I talked to Bethany earlier. She is at work but has already started her cleanout and so isn't feeling well. The laxatives have aggravated the colitis so she is in some pain. Thankfully, the test is fairly early in the morning and she can get some relief after it is over. Brandon and I are going with her but Brandon will be taking his friend to work during the test so I will be there alone with her for a while. I am going to take my Kindle so I will have something to do while I'm waiting for her to be finished with the test. I'm sure I will be anxiously waiting to hear the results. I'm glad the colonoscopy is one test where they give you the results immediately. I hope it shows that this is just the result from a virus or an infection and that it will heal soon. I'll post when I get home tomorrow about the results.

I guess this is about all I have to say right now. I'm trying to relax and not worry about things. I have the TV on but the volume down so as not to wake Dail. I'm watching Clash of the Titans. I've seen it several times before but it is something to have going in the background to help pass the time. I'm hoping Dail will get up at 2 so we can spend some time together. Sometimes he won't get up that early. Sunday is his only day off. He had a rough week at work this week. On Thursday or Friday, his company put in a bid on a hundred million dollar job. Just as the bidding was getting started, the power went off. They have battery back ups but Dail had to restart one of the servers, the one they needed for the bid, and it wouldn't come back online. The company lost the bid and now Dail is very worried about his job. It wasn't his fault. The company who got the bid undercut Dail's company so even if the computers had been working, they wouldn't have got the contract but when things like this happen, the bosses sometimes look for someone to blame. I think his job is safe but the atmosphere around there is tense and Dail is worried. When some time goes by and things are okay again, I think he will be able to relax.

Enough for now.

Sunshine

Decent Food Day So Far

2012-02-11T20:50:00.000-05:00

Today has gone fairly well. I managed to eat less than half of the food I have been eating for the last several days. I have also been eating on plan. Cutting portions is the best place to start but also getting off the carbs will help me avoid the constant grazing that has overtaken me lately. I am feeling pretty good this evening. Dail is home and Kailee has come by to have dinner with us and to visit for a while. Kailee is reading a book on her new Kindle Fire. Dail and I are watching Twin Peaks episode 4. It isn't one of the more interesting ones so I am blogging at the same time.

I have spent most of the day reading and watching television. I am bored of both so I alternate from time to time. I think after this episode of Twin Peeks is over, Dail and I will find a movie to watch. I am reading some real books along with some Kindle books. I also have some homework I need to be working on. Just thinking about it makes me anxious.

I think Bethany is going to come by later. I hope she does. I will remind her to check in and update for the challenge.

I guess this is it for now.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Week 6 Update

2012-02-11T13:21:00.000-05:00

I changed my mind and decided to post my update today after all. I felt the need to get back to doing things the way I started out on this challenge and in the beginning I always posted my updates on Saturdays and Tuesdays. So, here I am. The news isn't great. Here are the stats:

Weight:179
Waist:36
Hips: 45
Bust: 38

You can see the changes. The weight is still the same as my midweek update but is up a few pounds from last week. This is the highest weight I have been at since reaching goal last year. My waist has gone up an inch but my hips and bust have stayed the same.

I have been struggling mightily with food issues. I can't seem to get full enough. Those of you who have been reading know that my medications are aggravating the situation. I am still trying to decide what is best to do about that. It is difficult to make a decision until I can see my psych doctor on the 17th. Meanwhile, I'm trying my best to get under control. Today has been a fairly good day. Except for a handful of Cheez-Its, I have been on plan. I have had very little to eat compared to the last several days, when I really went over board with portions. I haven't been able to get in any real exercise yet but I am moving around more. I'm getting all my water and am taking my medications. My goal this week is to get all my supplements too.

I have been keeping in touch with my buddy by phone and encouraging her to keep trying. She is going through a rough spot right now with health issues but she is still wanting to take part in the challenge. She will be on later to update.

I have tried to drop by everyone's blogs at least once this week to offer some support. I hope all of you had a good week.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot.
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. " John Lennon

At Loose Ends

2012-02-11T09:44:00.000-05:00

I'm not thrilled with the day so far. Last night Dail had decided that Nick would stay home today instead of going with him to the office. I was expecting to have company today. Instead, Nick was up early and went with Dail. It is too quiet here and I am restless and anxious. Nothing much to do to keep my mind occupied. I'm tired of reading. Right now, I'm watching War of the Roses on cable. It is sort of a depressing movie but I haven't watched it in a while and it is semi-new to me. The first time I saw it, I thought it was a horrible movie. Cruel and lacking in any redeeming qualities. I know it is supposed to be funny but I couldn't find the humor in a marriage breaking up and the two people ending up killing each other. It reminded me of the Betty Broderick case. Talk about a woman scorned. She had her revenge ultimately, but she is paying a high price. She lost her children and is spending the rest of her life in prison. Her husband, who provoked her beyond reason, and his new wife., are dead. The War of the Roses just hit a little too close to real cases of contentious divorces for me.

So, I will probably just lean On Demand today and look for movies that I have been wanting to see. I will go crazy otherwise. It just doesn't seem to be a good day. I'm having problems getting this to post. Blogger is acting up again. Hopefully, this will work this time.

I hope everyone is having a good day. I just need to distract myself and I will be okay.

Sunshine

Needing To Blog To Sort Things Out

2012-02-10T16:02:00.000-05:00

You may see me blog a lot today. I have things on my mind and it is all confused and I need to get it out of my head before I really lose it. I have a problem with food. I don't believe that food is the only problem. I believe the food is a symptom of a more serious problem. I have blogged often about my Schizoaffective Disorder. It is no state secret. I have mental health issues that require serious treatment involving medication and therapy. I'm on a laundry list of medications. Most of which cause weight gain. These medications are not the same ones I was on right after my surgery in 2009. My meds were all changed in January of last year when we lost our insurance. Since that time, my weight has gradually risen. It stepped up even more when Lithium and Thorazine were added to my regimen. However, I can't discount the fact that I have been an emotional wreck and have been eating to soothe myself. The answer may be to change up my medications but this may be very difficult. Sometimes it takes years to get the right cocktail together to treat an illness like mine. The process is grueling because the patient is unstable until the correct medications are found. I may not have a choice though. It may be time to wean off all the meds and start over. I just don't know how best to handle things. I guess I need to think about it some more.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 6 Post For Bethany

2012-02-10T14:27:00.000-05:00

I spoke with Bethany today and due to the things that are going on in her life at the moment she was unable to post her update on time last night. She is at work right now but she asked me to post for her.

She hasn't been eating on plan this week. She is eating the bland foods that won't aggravate her colitis. She has been in some pain and the medications she takes do affect her. The pain meds make her spacey and tired and she doesn't feel like exercising even when the pain abates some. She is still working full time and trying not to leave work early and she is walking and on her feet all day so she is getting some activity. They will be doing the colonoscopy on Monday morning and we will know more about what kind of diet she should be on and what foods should be restricted. It is possible that she may need to go gluten free.

Bethany's scale is not working right now. It needs a new battery and she will pick that up today but her weight on the day of her visit to the doctor was 230 pounds on their scale fully clothed. That is up several pounds from her last weigh in. She hasn't been able to get much reading done in her book as she is also a full time student and her class this block is Algebra. She really needs to pass this class as she didn't do well in it the first time so she is expending a lot of time and energy reading the material and taking notes. She is my daughter and math is just very difficult for both of us. If I continue in school, I don't know how I will manage with two Algebra classes. Anyway, she is doing her best but her routine is to work all day, come home and spend time with her children, study into the night and then go to bed. It leaves little time or energy for anything else. She is struggling with everything, including her health issues and she could use some encouragement. It would be good if some of you could drop by her blog and offer some support and encouragement. You can visit her Here.

Her quote is "Enough is as good as a feast" Mary Poppins. I need to remember this myself right now.

Sunshine, standing in for Bethany

BYOC Just Because I Feel Like It

2012-02-10T09:34:00.000-05:00

BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!

It’s Friday and that means it’s time for BYOC! Bring Your Own Crazy! We answer 5 questions in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy to your own blog if you wish and ENJOY!

1. Name a Valentine gift you would NOT want to receive.

Candy. I am trying really hard to get off the sweets and back on to plan. I wouldn't like to be sabotaged by a gift of sweet stuff.

2. What’s your vacation personality? Do you act/eat/talk/do things differently or completely opposite from when you are not on vacation?

I am generally much more relaxed on a vacation. The trip is always difficult though if we are driving as I don't do well on road trips but once we get to where we are going, I settle in and enjoy just being away from the day to day stresses. On our last vacation we took a day train trip through the Smokies and it was a wonderful and relaxing time.

3. Describe yourself in 5 POSITIVE words.

Bright

Humorous

Out-spoken

Loyal

Compassionate

4. Do you have any phobias or irrational fears or dislikes?

I have a fear of spiders. It started in childhood when I had a black widow crawling in my hair and my parents were slapping at it and hitting me to get the spider.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Real life has been challenging this week. My daughter is having health issues and I'm worried sick about her. I don't feel well myself and my eating is out of control. My surgeon says my psych meds are the problem with the weight gain but I am a loss at how I am supposed to get off the psych meds to lose the weight again. Blog land has been good. I've gotten a lot of good advice and support. Sometimes, my blog is what keeps me going.

Sunshine

Can't Seem To Wake Up This Morning

2012-02-10T09:13:00.000-05:00

I have been in the middle of reading some books this week that are a little depressing but which involve a controversial issue that interests me: the death penalty. I know it is controversial and that by putting my views out on the web like this I am opening myself to criticism and censor but it is what I have going on in my life right now and I decided that I should blog about it to clarify my thoughts. I will try not to use real names as I describe the books I am reading except for the authors who have put themselves out there already. Of course, the most well known death penalty opponent is Sister Helen Prejean, who wrote the book "Dead Man Walking". Some of you may have seen the movie but have not read the book. The character played by Sean Penn in the movie is actually based on two men who were on death row for committing similar but different crimes. Sister Helen was the spiritual adviser for each of these men and what she saw as she witnessed their struggle to stay alive and their eventual death in the electric share is both haunting and disturbing. The book shook my belief that the death penalty is a necessary evil. My stance has changed somewhat because of the hypocrisy involved in the process. Yes. I do think there are some cases where the death penalty is called for, but I believe that in most cases, life without the possibility of parole is sufficient. The goal of the justice system is to protect the public and a person who if given a TRUE life sentence can be of no harm to the general public again. I have leaned a lot by studying Sister Prejean's book. I learned that is costs (a few years ago) about $500,000 to keep a man incarcerated for life. It costs almost $3.8 million to go through the appeals process to execute a criminal. The money saved from doing away with the death penalty could be used to provide more police protection and rehabilitation programs. There are those people who believe that criminal cannot be rehabilitated. In the case of violent sociopaths, I agree. But there are others, who committed their crimes under the influence or in the heat or passion who can be taught to deal with their behavior and become model prisoners. Who is to say that these people are beyond a chance, or beyond redemption?

There is also the economic aspect of the death penalty. There are no wealthy people on death row. The poor, who cannot afford an adequate defense are the men and women who are given death instead of life in prison. Too often, the story shows that a District Attorney pushed for death in indigent cases because his term was ending and he was up for reelection. As was the case in the book of Sister Helen Prejean. The second man who was counseled by her had an inadequate defense and his case was prosecuted by a DA who had just received some bad press for appearing soft on crime. The crime for which the man was being prosecuted was horrible and sickening and the family wanted him to received the death penalty but there were two men involved in the killing of their daughter and both played equal rolls. So why was one given life and the other death? There is an inherent unfairness in the way the death penalty is meted out and until the system is fixed, I believe executions should be put on hold.

I don't want to give the wrong impression. My views may be naive as I have never been the victim of a violent crime. There are cases that I have read about where I believe that the only punishment that fit the crime was death. There are some truly evil people out there who have no remorse or conscience. These people cannot be useful members of the prison population because they are so antisocial and dangerous. However, I believe the truly evil men and women are few and that most of the people who are being executed are simply people who committed crimes in a moment of rage and are too poor to mount and adequate defense.

I've gone on long with this than I intended to but I am in the middle of a book that disagrees with Dead Man Walking and is very critical of Sister Helen Prejean. I like to get both sides of the story, however the author of this book is the man who found a victims body and he is pro death penalty. He makes some very personal criticisms of Sister Helen that I find disturbing and offensive. He doesn't seem to realize that some of the points he is making to defend himself and the district attorney's office are having the opposite affect and are backing up Sister Helen's story that politics were involved in the decision to seek the death penalty in Robert Willie's case. He criticizes her for audibly praying for Willie as he was being strapped down for execution. The author of this book claims that prayers for the criminal was a slap in the face of the victim's parents, who were present at the execution. Sister Helen simply wanted to help a scared young man die with grace and she wanted strength for herself as she watched him strapped down and electrocuted to death. Not many of us could watch such a thing without having it affect us in some way.

I don't know where I stand right now. I do believe there are crimes which are deserving of the death penalty but I don't believe the death penalty is meted out fairly or consistently. Until it it. I think it is wrong.

When I finish this book. I have one more about the case. It is written by a surviving victim of Robert Willie. It is called Forgiving The Dead Man Walking. I will be interested to see what her take on it is. She has more right to speak about what should have happened to Willie than anyone else. I will post more about this when my books are done and I have time to think about it. In the meantime, I welcome any thoughts or opinions about this. Studying a meaningful issue takes my mind of my own issues.

I think I am finally waking up. The meds are kicking in. Last night, on his way home, Dail picked up some legal food for my plan. I am not going to worry much about portion control today but try just to stick to what is allowed on my plan. I will also try to concentrate on my eating and so that I get the full signal. I have been eating past the signal and ending up in pain. I can't continue to do that. I need to go back to basics and eat slowly and stop when I begin to feel full. I still struggle with the "clean plate" syndrome from my childhood. It is time to put my attention back on the pouch rules for my surgery and see if I can at least stop the gaining. I see Dr. G on the 17 and will talk to her about my medications.

I guess I will stop for now. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Sunshine

Relaxing and Reruns

2012-02-09T21:10:00.000-05:00

Dail and I are just chilling tonight. He is having a beer and we are rewatching Twin Peaks. There is so much to it that can be missed. We rushed through it the first time because we were so anxious to see what happened next. This time we are going through it slowly so we can catch all the clues. It is fun and it makes the evenings go by faster as we are stuck in the house mostly until it is warmer and we can spend time outside.

Food wasn't great today. I just can't seem to stop the reaching for food. I have a bottomless appetite these days. It feels like something is driving me. I can't be sure it is all about the medication. It is true that some of my meds changed recently so it is a real possibility but it is also likely that my emotional state and lack of stability is having an affect too. Being depressed and anxious makes me want to eat to feel better. Being on some of these medications makes me want to eat. I just don't know what to think or how to deal with it. I guess I need some time to process everything.

I guess tomorrow is another day. I will see if there are any answers then.

Sunshine

Trouble With Google Chrome

2012-02-09T12:35:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I am having trouble with Google Chrome and responding to comments on my blog. Hopefully it is a temporary problem. Google has been acting up for me for a few days now and and it is getting on my nerves. I will be looking into the problem but for the time being it looks like I will have to create a new post to respond to my comments. Please don't stop commenting though. All of you are keeping me going right now. I may have to look into installing a new browser but I am really attached to Google Chrome. Anyway, Anne H posted a comment and I wanted to tell her this: Anne, I know you are right. I need to get some of the clutter out of my vision and focus on the really important stuff. It is so easy to get distracted and thrown off by the little things that happen. Not that they should be completely ignored but I need to maintain my center.Thanks for coming by, Anne. I appreciate your support. :)

I tried an experiment last night. I went to bed without my usual medications. I was plenty tired and I had stayed up to midnight or so reading. I thought I could sleep without my meds. It didn't work out well. At 2 am I was still restless and shaky so I took a couple of Xanax just for sleep. I slept until about 6:30 am and was exhausted but awake. I decided to go ahead and take the rest of my meds and I feel back to sleep until about 12. Not a great idea there but I just wanted to see how my appetite would be today without the meds. I will be seeing Dr. G soon and I can talk to her about getting off some of the meds. It could be that my depression and anxiety are the result of being over-medicated. That is always a possibility. I will explain the risks involved in my regaining more weight and see what she says. I am going to ask her to start weaning me off some of the meds that don't seem to make much difference to my condition. I'm not convinced that the Lithium or the Depakote are helping anything. They are more for mania and I rarely get manic. My problem with Bipolat has been mostly the deep depressions. The point of treating the mania is to prevent the depressions, how ever that doesn't seem to be working for me. I was also in much better control on the Geodon than the Risperdal. It may be that now that we have insurance, I can switch back to the drug that helped me the most. The Geodon didn't cause weight gain and I was much more controlled with it. Anyway, I will see what Dr. G has to say about it. Geodon is a name brand so it will be more expensive for us but maybe we can manage it if I am able to go off some of the other medications.

I need to stop now and get something to eat. Sleeping half the day has its advantages. If I am sleeping, I am not eating.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 6 Post

2012-02-08T14:17:00.000-05:00

I have nothing to brag about this week. I haven't done well at all. I explained more about that in the previous post. My scale showed me at 179 today. My weight loss surgeon's scale showed me at 183. That is a new high since I reached my lowest weight from surgery. I am not happy with myself but if you read the previous post then you know that my surgeon said that my medications are causing weight gain and that this is a situation that is difficult to change. I'm not giving up. I'm not quitting. I'm staying in the challenge and I'm going to do my best to recreate a reasonable plan and stick to it. My surgeon said he would like to see me back at 160, which is where I was at this time last year. I will make that my goal. To get to that goal though, I'm going to have to do something about getting off some of my medication. This may require time, waiting out the winter so that the seasonal aspect of my disorder will provide some relief. A lot depends on my determination.

I have been reading a lot this week but not any dietary books. I have really failed in that area.

I'm getting all my water in every day.

I've gotten a couple of days with a little walking in. Nothing major but better than I have been doing.

I'm trying to support my buddy, Bethany. She is going through a hard time right now and I'm trying to be there for her. I haven't commented on everyone's blogs as I usually do but I intend to try harder this week.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. " John Lennon

I feel like I'm forgetting something. If I remember I will come back and add it.

Sunshine

My Surgeon's Opinion and Advice

2012-02-08T13:59:00.000-05:00

Dail and I left the house at a little after 8 am this morning. We had filled the CD changer with CDs and were ready to enjoy the trip. Traffic was heavier than we expected and it was a little harrowing for me to be weaving in and out around the other travelers. The music helped though. We stopped for a bite of breakfast. I had half an egg and sausage mcmuffin. Not a great choice but readily available. We had to wait for a while at the surgeon's office. He was really busy today. The first thing he said when he walked into the room was that I had done well with my weight loss even though I'm up from last year. I expressed my concerns about my recent gain and he looked over the list of my medications. He told me bluntly that most of the psych meds I'm on cause weight gain and that it will be almost impossible to keep it from happening. He wants me to work with Dr. G to get off some of the psych meds as soon as I am able. I told him I usually get better in the spring and that then I might be able to get off most of the meds. Until then, he told me just to keep trying the best that I can. He said he isn't unhappy with my weight as it is but that he would like to see me back at 160 where I was last year. That puts me in a normal weight range. Dail agrees with him about 160 being the best weight. When I was at 150, I looked a little gaunt in spite of my panni. So, there you have it. I am going to have to do something about the depression and the medications. Right now, the only thing I can do is wait out the winter and do the best I can with my food choices. Dr. H told me he has seen people on antidepressants regain all their weight and then lose it again as soon as they come off the medication. I hope, when I am able to decrease my meds, I will see the weight come off again. In the meanwhile, I will keep trying to follow a plan and to get some activity in to improve my mood. I just hope and pray that I will be able to stop gaining or go off some of the meds soon. It is very discouraging.

Sunshine

Watching Movies

2012-02-07T21:01:00.000-05:00

Dail and Nick and I are home from dinner. It was really good. I had Chicken Florentine. My dinner came with a side of spaghetti but I only had one bite. I ate about half the chicken fillet. Instead of water I had unsweetened iced tea. It was a nice change of pace. There was also another real treat. We got to ride in a new-to-us car. Dail finally got the new company car they have been promising him. It isn't more than a few years newer than our other one but it looks much better and has a lot fewer miles on it. I like it. My only issue with it is that the employee who had it last was a smoker and it smells like an ash tray. It will take some cleaning up but it is in much better shape than the old one. Also, it has a CD player and that will be a joy when we go on long trips. Tomorrow I will be seeing my weight loss surgeon. It is time for my 3 year check up. He is two hours away and we will load up the CD changer and listen to some tunes to make the drive go faster. I hate riding on the interstate so maybe the music will take my mind off it and I can actually ride without clinging to the armrests.

I have some things to do tonight to get ready for my appointment tomorrow so I am going to stop now but I will post tomorrow when I get home about what Dr. H. says.

Sunshine

I Swear.....

2012-02-07T16:23:00.000-05:00

if one more telemarketer calls me today I'm going to let loose with a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush for shame. I guess I am just not in the mood for a ringing phone today. If it was someone who just want to chat it would be different but the politicians and the telemarketers are blazing the phone lines lately. :(

Dail says we are going out to dinner tonight so that will be more time out of the house. Plus, tomorrow is my 3 year surgical anniversary check up. Technically, my surgiversary is on the 5th. I am still down 180 pounds but I am up from last year. He set my lowest weight as 155. I was at 165 last year. I got down to 150. Right now, I am 178. Not a huge failure but not where I want to be either. He is not going to be unhappy with me. He will probably suggest I make an appointment with the nutritionist or attend the support group meetings again.

Dr. G was a no show today. It was my fault. I misread the card and thought it said 7th but it said 17th. My appointment falls on a Friday just for this one time. Usually, she only sees patients on Tuesdays, hence my confusion.

I better stop now in case someone calls. I need to have my hands free to sling the phone across the room if necessary. :)

Sunshine

Nothing New Yet

2012-02-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

Bethany and I went to her appointment at the GI doc this morning. He looked at her CT scan and examined her and decided that more testing is needed. He said there were signs of problems on the CT scan but it is difficult to be definitive about what the places or lesions might be until he gets in there for a closer look. He will be doing a colonoscopy here at our local hospital on Monday morning. Bethany will spend Sunday afternoon doing the clean out. I don't envy her that. She is feeling better on the antibiotics and the steroids and pain meds but I will not be relieved until we know what the situation really is. I can tell Bethany is worried. I know she would like to talk about this with her husband but he is scared and wont really talk. He just keeps telling her not to worry. I hope he will hold up okay. He will have to go with us on Monday to drive. Bethany will be too sedated to drive and I don't drive anymore. I can but I don't have a license anymore. It wouldn't be helpful for me to break the law driving her home. I can get my license back anytime by paying a reinstatement fee but it seems pointless as I don't have anything to drive anyway. Dail's car is a company car and they would frown on my driving it. However, I am insured to drive it if I ever do get my license back. Anyway, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent. I was up late reading and had to get up early today to go with Bethany so I had a little extra caffeine so I could make it without falling asleep. Now I am a little wired.

Bethany looked very tired when she dropped me off. I think she is dreading the clean out day and the actual testing. She hasn't been put to sleep before and I'm sure that scares her too. I will do everything I can to reassure her. I would appreciate it if any of you who have had a colonoscopy could go by her blog and offer some words of reassurance. She will be going to work later today and she looks like she should really take the day off and stay home and rest but she is their sole support and she never takes off unless she has to. That is one of the things I have always admired about her. She has a tremendous work ethic. I appreciate any prayers and good thoughts you can send her way.

Last night was very hard. I was in tears because I just didn't want to think about getting in the bathtub and getting ready to go out of the house today. Dail sat with me while I bathed and talked to me so I could do it without getting anxious. I felt much better afterward and because I slept so much yesterday, I decided to allow myself some quiet reading time after Dail was asleep. I slept well and was up about 7:45 am. Bethany and I left about 8 am and made the hour drive to Knoxville. It was a rather harrowing trips as there is a lot of construction on one of the bridges there. We had to take a long detour to get to the medical center. Once we got there, we parked at the parking garage down the street a ways and then walked to the center. It wasn't a long walk but was enough to get my blood pumping. The doctors office was on the second floor at the end of a hall. I was a little out of breath when we got there. After the appointment we walked back to the parking garage and found our car. I hate parking garages because they are so confusing. It is like driving an obstacle course to find your way in and back out again. Eventually though, we made it back to the main road and getting back to the hwy to Sevierville was much easier than the original detour to get to the medical center. We drove a ways and stopped for a bite to eat. It wasn't exactly on plan but neither or us had eaten and it worked in a pinch. We drove on up to Bethany's workplace and I picked up some things for Dail for Valentine's Day and also a few things that I am almost out of like Estroven and my Probiotic. The doctor did say that Bethany can benefit from a Probiotic and some Miralax AFTER she has the colonoscopy.

I feel better knowing that Bethany will be checked out and I also feel better for having gotten out of the house and walking a little bit. I know I need to do more of it. Maybe I will get on the treadmill for a while later. In the meantime, I'm struggling to get back on plan. Not sure about dinner yet. Maybe roast.

Sunshine

Finally Up To Blogging

2012-02-06T18:21:00.000-05:00

It has been a long day. I've slept through most of it. I was out of caffeine mix for most of the day and so even the Ritalin didn't keep me alert. At least I wasn't anxious and got some much needed rest. I always sleep a lot when I'm depressed. I'm hoping this is the dark before the light. I'm just sitting here watching "Sommersby" right now. It is something to do. Dail is getting off around now and will be home soon. We are having thin crust pizza for dinner. Not exactly on plan but I won't be eating a lot of it. I'm just not hungry today.

My trekking poles came today. I love them. I think they might inspire me to get back to hiking when the weather cooperates. I just need to get Dail back into the swing of it too. He is back into the habit of sleeping all day on Sunday. It might take some doing to get him back to giving up part of his day off to exercising. I think the winter depression has affected him too. He just doesn't feel like doing anything. Of course, he works himself to death during the week and needs to rest but both of us were feeling better and more healthy when we were hiking every week.

It won't be much longer before we can also start fishing in the evenings. Soon, it will be warmer and the days will be longer and we can enjoy some outdoor time. I have no idea what happened on Groundhog Day but I hope for an early spring.

I guess that is all for now. I need something to drink.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Week 5 Update

2012-02-05T14:29:00.000-05:00

It has been an abysmal week. I haven't been able to stick to plan at all and just feeling like giving up. There is just so much pressure on me for other reasons and I am folding under it. I feel like I am reaching a critical point. I will either lose it altogether or pull it out of the fire and get myself together and do it. I am hoping for the latter. I haven't been this out of control since before mys surgery. I also haven't been this emotionally unstable since just after my dad died in 2002. I was a mess then, just like now and it took a stay in the hospital to get me back to on my feet.

Weight:175
Waist: 35
Hips: 46
Bust: 39

Everything is up a little this week. I don't like these numbers and I don't like having to report these numbers. It is harder to do that I could have imagined. This update will be brief because I just don't have a lot to say.

I haven't been doing much reading in my books. Other books yes, but not the health books. I need to work on that. I have been trying to support my buddy and other challengers this week.. I haven't done as well as usual. I will try harder this week.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to pick yourself up off the floor. " Switchfoot.
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. " John Lennon

I didn't get any exercise this week either. It was just the week from hell. Bad food. No control. No exercise.

Sunshine

Late Night Relaxing

2012-02-04T21:02:00.000-05:00

Dail is home now and I am feeling much less anxious. We are watching "Season of the Witch" a very scary movie. I think when this is over we will have to watch something tame so that we can sleep afterward. We have seen it before at the theater but Dail doesn't remember much about it so it is all new to him. I remember enough to know it is disturbing. I didn't get much done on my homework today but I'm going to work on it tonight for a while. I have to get it turned in tomorrow.

I hope everyone is having a good night. I'm ready for some relief from the anxiety now.

Sunshine

Boring But Peaceful Afternoon

2012-02-04T15:42:00.000-05:00

Nothing much going on. I've been in bed pretty much all day, watching television, napping, or surfing the net. We were finally ever to let Bramble out of our bathroom. She doesn't seem to be in heat anymore and Dumbledore doesn't seem interested. Another couple of weeks and we will have her spayed. I wanted it done sooner but the vet is booked until the 21st. Right now I'm watching "Batteries Not Included". It is a feel good movie starring Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy. I need a little bit of childhood innocence today. Just something soothing with a happy ending.

I didn't start off the day well with my food but I am doing better now. Tonight, I am hoping to have the strength to have Dail bring only the allowed foods into the house. I feel so weak right now and I have been giving into cravings left and right. I just don't have the heart to do my update today so I will be posting it tomorrow. Hopefully, by then my numbers will look better than they did this morning. I ate all day yesterday and it showed on the scale this morning. That is all I want to say about that until tomorrow.

Bethany is working today. I have her on my mind. I know she is hurting and that work is a strain on her at the moment. I worry about how this new medical problem will affect her ability to stick to a weight loss plan. She is so tired and frustrated. Her appointment with the specialist is on Tuesday. Hopefully, we will learn more then. I hope they have access to the CT scan they did on Bethany at our local hospital. It is so hard waiting for everyone to get their info together to treat a condition. Bethany is being treated but we have no idea how serious the colitis is until we know more about the testing. I hope that we are catching it early.

Well, I'm still watching the movie so I'm going to stop now. It is almost over and I want to see the end.

Sunshine

Not A Great Morning

2012-02-04T10:06:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to bed until late last night. I wasn't doing anything in particular. Just chilling out but I didn't take my meds until early this morning so as you can imagine, I am dragging today.I am also very cold. I don't know what the temp is outside but it is cold in here. I usually have a fan running day and night in my bedroom just to cover up the little noises that would distract or startle me. I had to turn the fan off this morning. Fortunately, Nick is still in bed and it is fairly quiet, other than the cats being a little rowdy. I feel better now that the chill is off me so maybe I can continue this blog.

I normally post my E2E update on Saturday but my numbers are so dismal I'm going to give myself another day and hope they look a little better. Obviously, I have not been on plan but I will talk more about that tomorrow. I'm very disappointed with myself and really need to get things in control.

Dail and I talked about going hiking tomorrow but the weather is supposed to be bad. I can't wait until spring when we can get back out on the trails. We know several places where we can go where we aren't likely to even run into anyone and those are the trails I prefer. In the meantime, we are going to prepare for our other hobby: Fishing. We may go out to Bass Pro Shop tomorrow and get the tackle I need for my fly rod. We will also look at some spinning rods for Dail. Hopefully, by next month, the weather will be good enough that we can get outdoors and do some fishing and hiking. March is usually good weather here. We just have to get through the rest of February.

There isn't much going on in the mean time. I need to be working on my classwork today. I will get to it as soon as I can settle down from the caffeine I had this morning. I don't seem to be able to focus right now as my thoughts are racing. I only had half a bottle and I was so drowsy that I didn't think it would affect me adversely. I guess it did though.

Enough for now.

Sunshine

Things Aren't Going As Well As Expected

2012-02-03T15:13:00.000-05:00

I still have lot of work to do but just don't have the will to do it. Bethany isn't feeling well and I am tired and unable to concentrate for long so we haven't gotten much done. On top of all this, I am RAVENOUS. I am about to have some more bacon today to help with the need to eat. I am trying to avoid the carbs but I haven't been altogether successful. I am trying my best but I am shaking from reaction to carb withdrawal. I hope we can get it together and get something done. I just don't feel myself today. It has been a long week.

Sunshine

Getting It Done Today

2012-02-03T08:51:00.000-05:00

Bethany is coming over in a little while and we are going to work on what is left of my classwork. It will be a relief to finally get it done. She is feeling a little rough today. She was in some pain last night and so she didn't get her update for the challenge in. She will post a late midweek update today. I will be glad to see her. She sounds so tired on the phone. I know she is week from loss of fluids etc from the bleeding and the diarrhea. I hope we can see the specialist soon so we will know how better to treat this. She had a very rough day at work yesterday and that is partly why she didn't get her update done. When she gets here today, we will take care of it.

I am making plans to get back into life. I am starting to feel a little better just from the sunny days we have had lately. In fact, I have to wonder if some of my anxiety is because I'm on too many meds for depression and now the depression is lessening and I am getting too up and manic. Mania for me is not pleasant euphoria like it is for some. For me it is irritability and restlessness and anxiety. I will see Dr. G next week and see what she says about it. Things could still go back down hill as the weather is unpredictable but I feel that I might have turned the corner and maybe I don't need as much Ritalin as I have been on to get through the days. I have been needing more of the Thorazine to stay calm and that isn't a good thing. I hate to be taking a medicine to be up and then go up so high that I need another medicine to bring me down to calm. I'm going to limit my Ritalin today and see how it goes. I'm also going to severely limit my caffeine because that only seems to exacerbate the problem. I will post later about how the day goes.

Food yesterday didn't go well. I did okay until dinner and then the boys had frozen pizza. I avoided it until late last night when I went into snack mode and have to have a couple of slices. It is gone now and all I have here is protein. I was strong enough yesterday not to ask Dail to bring home sweets so that is some progress but now is the time to build on my lack of junk food and break the carb habit. I've got bacon and eggs and baked chicken. I have some low carb yogurt. That should get me through the day until we can get more groceries in the house. Maybe by this evening I will have the carb cravings under control.

Meanwhile, I'm going to work on my final project for class and a paper I am supposed to write. Bethany is going to help me with the PowerPoint and I will have to find a peer-reviewed article for the paper. I am dreading it because it will require footnotes and the whole deal etc. I might wait until tomorrow for it. I will have all day to work on it. The PowerPoint is mostly done, I just need Bethany to help me dress it up and put the finishing touches on it.

I guess that is all for now. I need to start looking at material for my class.

Sunshine

Quiet Evening At Home

2012-02-02T20:16:00.000-05:00

Dail and I are watching "Blue Velvet" by David Lynch, one of the creators of Twin Peaks. It just happens that both star Kyle MacLachlan who is a very hot looking man. I have to say that "Blue Velvet" is weird and perverted so far but it is On Demand for free so we thought we would check it out. Dail is fascinated but I don't know how much longer I will be able to watch. Dennis Hopper is also in it and he plays a psychotic pervert. I don't know for sure that I am understanding what I am seeing so far. It is just too weird.

Nothing else going on except I am not all that interested in the movie. I had baked chicken for dinner. The boys had pizza. I feel at loose ends and if there was junk in the house I know I would indulge. Thankfully, I had enough presence of mind when giving Dail the shopping list to leave off the junk items. There will be no snacking tonight.

I'm going to stop now and let my meds kick in. Hopefully, I will get a peaceful feeling for a little while before I crash for the night.

Sunshine

Tagged by Suzy!!

2012-02-02T09:35:00.000-05:00

I have been tagged again by a list of questions that is similar to one I have already done but it is one of those days when I am anxious and I need something to distract me a bit so I appreciate the opportunity to participate again. When I do these things, I generally do them my way as I hate to put pressure on others to do them if they don't want to so first I will list 11 random things about myself.

1. I have 4 cats: Stormy, Bella, Bramble, and Dumbledore.
2. I have two grandchildren: Chase, and Jasmine.
3. I love sauteed Brussels Sprouts.
4. I very rarely wear clothes of any kind when I am at home.
5. I had a hysterectomy when I was 28.
6. I am a "Peakie" (Lover of Twin Peaks)
7. I would love to visit Washington State.
8. I read true-crime books.
9. My favorite song is "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot.
10. I'm allergic to penicillin.
11. I've had 4 sinus surgeries.

11 Question Suzy wants me to answer:

1. What is your favourite meal of the day?

Dinner.

2. What are your favourite movies?

Evita, Rhinestone, Die Hard

3. If you had a choice of white/milk/dark chocolate which would you pick?

I love milk chocolate

4. What is your favourite holiday of the year?

I love both Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is my favorite time of year.

5. What do you consider the most important things that keep you healthy?

6. How do you usually spend your evenings?

Watching television or surfing the net with my husband

7. Do you have a hobby/collect things?

I collect hats and I love to read and blog.

8. Do you have any piercings? Yes How many? My ears are pierced twice.

9. Where were you born?

A little town in Tennessee called Gatlinburg

10. What is the strangest present you've been given?

Old lady earrings

11. What is your favourite spice?

Paprika. I use it on almost everything.

11 Questions for you to answer. I'm not going to go to individual blogs to tag people even though those are the rules. I don't like to put people in the position of feeling pressured to participate. However, in the spirit of fun, I will create some questions for those who might want to participate. I hope you have a good time.

1. How old were you when you had your first kiss?

2.Did you go to college?

3. What kind of car do you drive?

4. Do you have any pets? What are their names? What kind of pets?

5 What is your favorite television show?

6. Do you have cable or satellite or neither?

7. Have you ever been on a hayride?

8. Were you a scout?

9. What is your favorite dessert?

10. Do you have any tattoos? Where?

11. What is your signature color of clothing?

That's it! I hope you all have a good time.

Sunshine.

Final Confession: Chocolate Cream Pie and a Sleepless Night

2012-02-02T08:45:00.000-05:00

I call this Final Confession because I don't intend on needing to confess anymore food sins after today. I think maybe last night was my wake up call and now I will be able to break out of the self-destructive pattern I've gotten myself into. Lately, I've had a real sweet tooth so I have been having Dail bring home sweet stuff for me almost every day. It is really bad for me, not to mention that none of it is on plan and my weight has been going up. Also, it sometimes makes me ill because of my surgery. Last night, Dail brought home a chocolate cream pie for us to have after dinner. I love any kind of cream pie but it is a double whammy on my tummy because of the sugar and because of the dairy. I am lactose intolerant. I had a good sized helping just at bedtime and as I was reading myself to sleep the pain hit. It was horrible. I was so nauseous that I thought I was going to die. I spent the next hour lying on the bathroom floor waiting to be ill. It never happened but I thought it would. I wished it would because I thought I would feel better if I could just get it out of my system. I eventually came back to bed but I was still feeling so ill that I decided not to take my nighttime meds. I was afraid they would put me to sleep and then I would throw up and choke on it. It was a very restless night as my gut rolled and roared and I tossed and turned in my bed. I didn't sleep at all and today I am shaking with fatigue. The chocolate cream pie was absolutely not worth it. I am feeling better this morning and I feel a little stronger in my resolve to get back on track and stay there. I'm not waiting for the weekend. I'm starting now. I think I may fast for a while today to get myself back to normal and then I will get started with the protein. Feel free to kick me in the ass. I knew better. I did it anyway. I paid the price. Stupidity always has a price.

I spoke with Bethany this morning. She is working today but she should be on later to update. She is feeling better but I'm still worried about her. I hope she gets in with the specialist soon. I will feel better when I can go with her to see the doctor myself so we can know what is what. She will be blogging when she gets home later today. I hope you all will stop by and offer some support.

The end of the block for school is rapidly approaching. I have two assignments left to do and then I will be going on to the next class. Bethany is coming over tomorrow to help me with my PowerPoint presentation. I can put the information in there but she knows more about PP and can make it look really professional. She had a PP class in high school and really knows her way around MS Office. I'm pretty good with Word but since I upgraded to Office 2007, I am not as knowledgeable about it as I once was. I also have a paper to write and I will try to get to that today sometime. I have until Sunday to get these assignments in.

I guess this is all I have to talk about now. I hope I have learned my lesson and am ready to get back on the proverbial horse. I can't keep going the way I have been. That is for sure. Wish me luck as I pull myself out of the funk I've been in.

Sunshine

Trying To Get Through The Day

2012-02-01T16:41:00.000-05:00

For some reason, I have been very anxious today. Maybe I have had too much caffeine. Sometimes I lose track of how many packets of caffeinated water I use. My hands are shaking a bit and I'm very tense. I was supposed to go in to see Kristin for therapy today but it has been one of those days for Dail at work when he couldn't leave to come and get me. I've barely been able to talk to him all day he has been so busy with people having computer problems. I know he will be tired when he gets home. Hopefully, we can have some time tonight to just relax and maybe go to bed early. I'm pretty tired today and I don't even have a good reason for that. I did stay up a little late reading but not much past midnight. Still, if I'm going to get up at 8 am I need to be in bed by 11 pm or so. I'm sure Dail would feel more rested too during the day if he went to bed earlier than we have been lately.

I don't have any ideas about what we will do for dinner yet. It will have to be something simple and quick. None of us feel like cooking tonight so it should just be something we can pop in the oven, I think. Maybe Dail can find something at Kroger that will work for us. We didn't really get groceries this week. We just picked things up each day and now we are down to the last day before payday. Maybe we can have a chicken casserole. That would be simple. I make those from the rotisserie chicken the sell at the deli. Something to think about.

I feel aimless today, though I did get some of my classwork done. I just have a couple more things to do. I should get part of it done tonight. I should be glad that I was able to do some of it but I just feel tired and bland and anxious. I think, I might take a Xanax.

Sunshine

Another Day, Another Blog

2012-02-01T09:34:00.000-05:00

Slept in a bit this morning. I was up late reading and worrying about Bethany. Things haven't worked out with their new home yet but hopefully something good will happen soon. I know how they feel. I wanted Dail and I to have our own place for many years before it actually happened. I wish we were in a position to help them financially but we aren't at the moment. Still playing catch up from Christmas. They may have to stay where they are for another year and that may be the best thing for right now. I know they will be disappointed not to get a new place but I don't think Bethany needs the strain right now. I think she needs to slow down and let Brandon help some. I know that the colitis can be made worse by stress. I just want Bethany to be better.

I have made a little headway into my homework and I need to do more today. This is the last week and I need to finish several assignments in order to complete the course. I am very anxious but I am hoping to have Dail help me tonight. I just need someone to help calm me enough to believe I can do it and to sit with me while I do the work. I just have no faith in my ability when I am this anxious. Dail will help later today and maybe we will get the work turned in on time. I will finish the paper I am working on today.

Dail and I finished our Twin Peaks marathon last night. It was really exciting and confusing to see the last episode. There were a lot of unanswered questions. I think that is the series had continued then we would know what happened to some of the characters. I am curious to know what happened to Audrey Horne and Bobby and Shelly and Leo. They made a prequel to explain some of the more mysterious events but there are still some unknown happenings that are never explained. I have an insatiable curiosity. I will have to see if there is a book or anything that was published that explains those things. I have already read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer but it doesn't answer questions about events that happen after her death.

I didn't start out on the best food with food today. I won't say what I had but it has no nutritional value. I will stop with that and move onto a better rest of the day from here. I will stay on track and try to get on the treadmill. I need to do something to release some pent up stress and worry.

I might blog again later.

Sunshine

Bethany's Diagnosis

2012-01-31T20:27:00.000-05:00

I finally heard from Bethany. She was at the ER for a long time and was on an IV and pain medications. The did a CT scan to see where the blood is coming from and the diagnosis seems to be colitis. They sent her home tonight and she will be seeing a specialist in a week or so. I'm going to try to go with her. In the meantime she has some prescribed medications and she will have to watch her food intake for a while. I don't know much about colitis but I do know it can be serious and that Bethany is too young to have this kind of thing. I have IBS myself so I do know a little of what she is going through. Hopefully, this is something the doctors can get cleared up soon. Please continue to remember her in your thoughts and prayers.

Sunshine

Feeling It

2012-01-31T14:54:00.000-05:00

Wow. I slept most of the afternoon. I guess this sinus infection has really worn me down. I may have to break down and see one of the nurse practitioners after all. I will see how I feel tomorrow. In order to get in with one of them I have to get up by 8 am and call to see if there has been any cancellations. I might do that tomorrow. I really can't breathe through my nose now.

I'm having to have dinner a little off my plan tonight. I am trying to cook what is already in the house and we had a large bag of pinto beans. I love them and they are a family favorite but they are not usually allowed on a low carb plan. They have a lot of carbs but they are also a good source of fiber and protein, so just for tonight, I'm having some beans. The boys will have cornbread with theirs but I won't even miss it. When I was young my dad insisted on having cornbread at almost every meal. I got pretty sick of it. I don't care much for it now. Nick is like me. He loves the beans but Dail prefers the hot buttered cornbread and will only eat a few of the beans. There is a whole crockpot full in the kitchen. I will have Dail pick up something tonight that will put me back on lower carbs.

For those of you who pray, please remember Bethany today. She is on her way to the ER. She has some kind of stomach problem that is causing her to have diarrhea and bleeding. I haven't heard from her in a while and I'm worried. Our ER is very slow here but the bleeding doesn't sound good. I'm thinking she might have an ulcer or something like that as she has been working so hard and is so stressed with everything. Anyway, please send her some good thoughts and I will update when I know more. Hopefully, I will hear something soon.

I'm going to stop now. More when I hear something.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 5 Post and Stuff

2012-01-31T10:15:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't made such a good showing in this challenge so far. My weight is at 168. That is about where I started once I got a scale that worked. I wish I could say that I have done everything right but I haven't and my lack of progress is my own fault. My waist and hips have increased by an inch each and I'm no closer toe getting into my challenge dresses. I am not going to give up but my confidence is shaken and I worry about getting back in control and getting my head in the game. It is true that there has been a lot going on in my life but I need to find a better way to cope than eating junk. There is no junk in the house right now and that is how I've managed to lose a few pounds over the last couple of days. Keeping control of what comes into my house is most of the battle for me. If it isn't here, I won't indulge.

I need to remember the goal I set out with. I need to remember the dress I want to fit into by Easter. I will be getting it out later and trying it on but I don't think I will share photos just yet. I need to make some progress first.

I have been reading, but not my health related books. I have been reading as an escape into the lives of others. Sometimes I need to remind myself that there are others who are less fortunate than I am so that I can remember my blessings.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

In other news, Dail and I are almost finished with our Twin Peaks adventure. It has been a fun trip back into the early 90s to view a surreal soap opera that somehow I managed to miss when it was on the air. My children were very young then and I was a single mom. We didn't have cable television and so I'm sure that is why I never saw it before. I am enjoying it now though in spite of the fact that the most interesting part of the story is over. There are still things to be learned about BOB and the black and white lodges. The more we watch it, the more like a soap opera it seems. But there are odd twists and the characters are quirky and ingenious. I am completely hooked and almost sorry to see it about to end. The show only ran for two seasons but it causes a furor and people became "Peakies." I guess that is what you would call me and Dail. I'm really glad we invested in the series as it has been a wonderful way to spend the long winter evenings.

The days are getting sunny again but it is still too cold to get outside much. I am anxious for the days when it will be unseasonably warm when I can get out in the sunshine and soak up some rays. I will have to be careful because of the Lithium but the pharmacist said that I should be okay as long as I use some sunscreen.

I guess this is it for now.

Sunshine

Brief Update

2012-01-30T16:39:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to see Dr. B today. I will be seeing him in a couple of weeks instead. I had to reschedule the appointment because it is just one of those days. I feel horrible and not like going out in public even to see my doctor. I went back to bed instead and slept for several more hours. It was just what I needed as I feel better now. I know I shouldn't let the infection go on for much longer but I would rather see Dr. B himself than one of the NPs. Not that I don't trust NPs, it is just that I don't know any of these because they are all new. Anyway, I'm using some Rapid Release Tylenol for the headaches and I'm using my nasal spray to try to keep my nose from being too stuffy to breathe through. I should be okay for a while. Meanwhile, I will get out my Neti Pot and see if that will open things up even more. Maybe I can flush the infection out.

I did get in touch with our vet about Bramble. They don't have an opening until Feb 21. We are going to have to keep her separated from Dumbledore until then. It feels cruel as they are so used to playing together and napping together but the last thing we need around here is a litter of kittens. Bramble is a tortie and usually they are sterile but I don't want to take any chances, especially as she is showing all the signs of being in heat. Bless her heart. I know she is miserable.

Dinner tonight will be chicken alfredo with vegetables. I will focus on the chicken and vegetables and leave the pasta. I have been on track with my food today. I'm working on getting my water in.

That is all for now.

Sunshine

Monday Morning Thoughts

2012-01-30T08:17:00.000-05:00

Dail and I are up to the 21st episode of Twin Peaks, I think. Not many left. Laura Palmer's murder has been solved and now the side dramas with the other characters are playing out. Laura's life stands out in the midst of the ridiculousness of the rest of the show. The writers made a mistake in revealing the killer so soon in the second season. The series might have lasted longer if they had drawn it out more. There isn't much left interesting in the series now except for references to BOB and the black and white lodges. As soon as we finish the series DVDs Dail and I will watch the prequel again and see what is there that wasn't revealed during the series. I will watch the series again too and see what clues I might have missed the first time. It is infinitely interesting to me.

I have an appointment with Dr B. today. It is time to get to the bottom of these swollen lymph glands. I'm pretty sure it is a bad sinus infection. I'm hoping that is all it is but of course I do worry it could be something more serious. I will report back when I know something. In the meantime, I'm just going to chill out and take my meds until time to get ready to go. I need to be getting my water in and I need to call the vet about Bramble. More later.

Sunshine

Growing Up So Fast

2012-01-29T17:09:00.000-05:00

Our little Bramble is in heat. I can't believe she is old enough. I don't think it has been 6 months yet but I guess it has. We are having to keep her separated from Dumbledore until we can get her spayed. I will be calling the vet tomorrow to see when we can get her in. I also have an appointment tomorrow with Dr. B because of the swollen lymph glands in my neck. I'm sure it is a sinus infection. Hopefully, no more than that. I think a round or two of antibiotics will fix me up.

Dinner tonight will be a bunless burger with all the rest of the fixings. I might even make it a double patty burger if I am hungry enough. I will try to behave myself otherwise. I have enjoyed the quiet day at home. Dail is up now and playing Wow until he gets woke up good. Then we will be getting back into Twin Peaks. Nick and I got some house cleaning done today. My bathroom looks much better and the kitchens counters are scrubbed and the dishes are almost all caught up. Nick is a big help around here.

Not much more to blog about this evening. I am just a little hyped up from caffeine. I need to lay off that stuff on the weekends but I did take a nap this morning and it left me feeling sluggish so I felt I needed a little pick me up.

Time to start dinner soon. Not much involved with it. Broil some burgers and that is pretty much it.

Sunshine

Pondering...

2012-01-29T10:42:00.000-05:00

So many things on my mind today. First, and update on Twin Peaks. Laura's killer has been revealed. Her own father, Leland Palmer, had been possessed by BOB since his childhood. BOB used Leland's body to molest Laura for most of her life and in a fit of rage at being unable to inhabit her too, he stabbed her to death. When BOB was captured, as Leland, he vacated his host and escaped. Leland, remembering what he had done to his daughter and two other young women, killed himself in remorse. The main story has been resolved but there are still lose ends to tie up and more to learn about BOB and where he came from. So, are the days of Twin Peaks. It really is interesting to watch. Sort of a new age soap opera meets true crime show. I'm developing a crush on agent Cooper.

Today, I'm thinking about rebellion. I'm thinking about why I seem to be rebelling against my plan and directing myself toward a self-destructive path. Setting limits for myself seems to make me more eager to break the limits and do as I please. I'm not sure how to handle this and the rebellion does not seem to be only about my plan. I'm just rebelling again everything in my life that I'm uncomfortable with. I haven't done my school work in a couple of weeks. I can still turn everything in and get good grades it is just that I have no desire to do it. I feel like saying "to hell" with everything. It is part of this anger I'm dealing with. As the song says, "My give a damn is busted." Until I get this dealt with, I am not going to be successful with sticking to my plan. I have got to find a way to move past this to do what I need to do. I will be seeing Kristin on Friday and hopefully she can give me some ideas as to how to express this anger and get it out of myself so that it doesn't eat me up and doesn't cause me to eat myself back up to 350. My weight now is the highest I've been since I reached my lowest weight. It isn't terrible and it wouldn't be the end of the world if I stayed here. I can probably eat pretty much whatever I want and stay here. The question is, can I be happy here? The answer is: I don't know. If feels wrong to think about giving up but I am definitely rebelling against the restrictions it will take to get me back to 150.

So much to think about.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Week 4 Update

2012-01-28T08:52:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, the new is not good. I have been cheating on my plan left and right. My food is completely out of control and with the exception of a few days, has been ever since I learned that Kailee was moving out. When I'm at my most depressed, I reach for the comfort foods that provide a moment's relief from the anxiety. I feel better today and a little stronger in my resolve to pull myself together. I can't let things continue the way they have been. It is time to make a new start. I have the right food in the house now. The cherry pie is gone. Yes. I went there. Today will be protein only as I attempt to detox from carbs once again. I have a lovely chuck roast to put in the crockpot. I will add some whole potatoes for the boys and some mushrooms and onions for me. Here is the damage:

Weight:171
Waist: 35
Hips: 45
Bust: 38

This is an increase in weight by 3 pounds. Some of this may be water. I did have a salty dinner last night with the marinade for my steak. My hands are slightly swollen and my ankles are puffy too. Not an excuse but maybe a factor in my gain. The rest is completely my responsibility. I screwed up this week badly and indulged in more carbs than any person in my position should. I gained an inch around the waist and another around the hips. No wonder my pants feel a bit tighter. I'm still wearing my 12s but they don't look as good as they did a couple of months ago. It is time to decide how badly I want to be back to my lowest weight. I at least need to be back to 164, which is a normal weight for my height. There is just no excuse for not sticking to my plan. The plan works. It worked before. It will work again. I JUST HAVE TO STICK TO IT.

I haven't been great with my reading. I am reading but not health related books. More just entertainment to escape my feelings of anxiety of depression. I always loved to read and it gives me something to focus on besides the challenges in my life.

I haven't gotten any formal exercise in this week. I just feel like staring at the wall and doing nothing. I'm going to make myself get up today and do some household chores. Nick is here to help me. I can afford to be self-indulgent anymore. It is time to get things back in hand. It starts right now.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

I haven't been a great buddy. Bethany is struggling with food choices and I have been a poor example. I think both of us could use some strongly worded encouragement. I have been supporting other challengers. I have a few more to visit today but I get to most of you each week

That is it for this update. Not a stellar report but it it the truth of how things are going with me.

Sunshine

Waiting and Hoping

2012-01-27T17:11:00.000-05:00

I am home along right now. I'm lonesome and wish Dail was home. Nick has gone out with Bethany and Brandon to the video store. He wants to rent some movies. They are going to make a few other stops so I'm not sure when he will be home. Dail gets off in an hour but he will have to stop at the market on his way home to pick up dinner. We are having pan-fried steak with mushrooms and whole new potatoes. I will go easy on the taters. Dail makes the best pan-fried steak you have ever had. After dinner, we will get back to out Twin Peaks marathon.

I am excited for Bethany and Brandon. Something good may be getting ready to happen for them. They have submitted paperwork to buy their very first home. Won't know anything until tomorrow but I'm hoping and praying it works out for them. They are very excited and are making plans and dreaming about what improvements they will make. I remember when Dail and I bought this place. We couldn't afford new furniture right away but we managed with what we had until we could afford new things. Now I wouldn't trade this place for anything. It is getting older but it is still home. I am going to see about redecorating this spring. Maybe some new wallpaper or paint.

I have to say that I am relieved that Friday is here. I am ready for the weekend. Hopefully all of us will have a good one. I will post my challenge update tomorrow.

Sunshine

Frickin Freezing Here Today

2012-01-27T09:51:00.000-05:00

I am barely awake in spite of a Ritalin and two bottles of caffeinated water. I woke up shivering. Our heat is on but it is so cold outside that it is cold in here despite the heat. I had Nick set the thermostat up to 70. Maybe in a few minutes I will warm up. I'm snuggled under my covers with my laptop on my lap. Eventually the heat from the laptop may warm me. Sometimes my laptop gets pretty hot.

Dail and I stayed up pretty late watching Twin Peaks. We got to the season one cliffhanger where Agent Cooper was shot and couldn't stop watching so we watched one more episode before calling it a night. Ronette is waking from her coma with memories of seeing BOB kill Laura. The last scenes were of BOB beating Laura over the head. I am anxious to see the next episode and if Ronette remembers who BOB actually is. The Giant visited Agent Cooper and gave him some clues. He said there is only one person who saw the third man at the cabin that night. Even though Ronette was there, I'm thinking she saw BOB as BOB as not as the real person he inhabits. I think MIKE is the only one left alive who knows who BOB is. I can't wait to find out. I am REALLY hooked on this story now.

I'm feeling a little buzzed from the caffeine now and wish I had stopped at one bottle. The caffeine makes me anxious sometimes and it looks like today is one of those days. If I ever settle down I will rewatch some of the episodes so I can pick up on things I might have missed the first time around. I am also re-reading Laura Palmer's diary and now it is making more sense to me since I know more about the people she is writing about. The whole story is very tragic and there is an otherworldly quality about the whole thing but the town of Twin Peaks seems to be a seedy little place underneath and everybody seems to be cheating on their mates. It reminds me of a soap opera. Except it has a psychic twist. It is a very unique show and I don't recall ever seeing anything else like it on TV. If you haven't seen it but like the weird and bizarre and mysterious, you might want to check into getting the series. Maybe rent the prequel first and see how you like it before investing in the whole series. All the episodes are available at Amazon.

I am finally beginning to warm up. It must be the bacon. Plus I kicked the heat up a little more. I hate these cold and dreary days. I'm ready for spring; I haven't seen the forecast for this weekend but I hope it clears off. I would love to go hiking on Sunday but we will have to see about the weather. Dail and I both and gotten out of the exercise habit. It is time to start back again. I'm going to try to get on the treadmill today. Tomorrow will be my weigh in day. I expect there will be no change. I don't think I have lost but I haven't gained either. I'm at a stand still because I can't consistently keep my act together. My eating has been ruled by my emotions lately. I need to get that in hand;

I'm going to stop now as Beth is on the phone. More later.

Sunshine

Harrowing Morning

2012-01-26T11:20:00.000-05:00

I don't like confrontation but that is exactly how I started the morning. Kailee came by to pick up Mike's W2s and she had to start in about recent events. I pretty much told her how I felt about her running to mom tio stir up trouble and so she stormed off in a huff. I hope she will stop carrying tales between the family members and that she will do as she said and reimburse us for the weeks we supported her and Mike. Her figures of what she owes us aren't exactly in line with our count. I guess we will never see the full amount so Dail will probably not get a vacation for a while. Mike has talked her into doing some things that I disapprove of. I won't explain further than that but let's just say that my opinion has changed. Kailee could get in serious trouble for things she has done for him and I don't appreciate him putting her at risk. I can only hope that she will eventually grow tired of Mike as she did all the others. I wish she would set her sights a little higher. I don't really want to talk about this anymore so, I'll stop now.

Last night was a fun night with Dail. I loved the Twin Peaks episodes we have watched so far. I like agent Cooper a lot. I love that he is a fan of cherry pie. That happens to be my favorite too and I have to keep a tight rein on myself to keep from diving into a cherry pie whenever he mentions it. Of course, I don't have any in the house so that helps me to avoid it. I can see why it was such a popular show. It is very interesting and strange and touching all at the same time.

I am not doing anything special right now. Just waiting for my pork steak to get done. That will be my lunch. I'm starving.

Sunshine

Twin Peaks and Headaches

2012-01-25T22:44:00.000-05:00

Dail and I are getting ready to go to bed now. We have been watching Twin Peaks. We saw the pilot and then the first 3 episodes before we decided to call it a night. I was on the edge of my seat trying to catch all the shades of meaning through the story. It is fascinating. I can't believe I missed it when it was actually running. We had a great time. Dinner was good and I mostly stuck to the plan. I will weigh in tomorrow and see how things are looking.

The only downside tonight is that I have a killer sinus headache. The whole front of my face feels like it is about to explode. I don't have any sinus meds. I'm afraid what I really need is an antibiotic. I have a whole line of swollen lymph glands running up the side of my neck. I'm sure I have an infection. I will call tomorrow to see about getting in to see my doctor.

Enough for tonight.

Sunshine

Finally Calming Down

2012-01-25T17:59:00.000-05:00

Dail and I were up late watching television last night so I was tired this morning and went back to bed about midmorning. I decided I needed to have a little caffeine to get me going but I overdid it a bit and have been wired for the last several hours. It is an unpleasant feeling to be vibrating under my skin like that. I need to get back to my regular routine of going to bed by midnight and getting up by 8. It works out best for me when I stick to that schedule.

I'm excited about tonight. Our Twin Peaks set arrived and I have already popped the pilot episode into the DVD player. Dail is going to run by the pharmacy and then head home and we will watch the pilot and maybe a few episodes together tonight. I can't wait to see what I have missed. Dail and I rented the prequel but I also have it on order so we will have the complete set. There are extra features with this Gold Box Edition so I can't wait to get to see the interviews and deleted scenes etc when we get to that place. We will be watching them in order. There are 4 episodes on a disc but as I didn't see the original series I don't know how long each episode would be. I'm guessing half an hour or so. Anyway, this will give us something to do in the evenings while the weather is cool.

Dinner for me tonight will be a bunless double burger. The boys will have regular burgers and fries. Hopefully, I won't be tempted by the fries. I have been on track all day and don't want to mess up now.

It has been a very quiet day. Maybe a little too quiet. I get anxious from too much solitude. Tomorrow is Thursday though and it is the evening we usually go out to dinner and get groceries. I don't know for sure that we will go. We may be too into Twin Peaks to go out but if we do, I'm craving some grilled scallops. We might go to dinner and then leave the grocery shopping for another night.

It is starting to get dark out and so I'm going to stop now and watch for Dail. I hope he gets home fairly quickly. We are both excited about watching Twin Peaks. More later.

Sunshine

Hoping For A Better Day

2012-01-25T10:01:00.000-05:00

I was pretty down and strained yesterday. Too much of the past was running through my mind. I need to work all this out in therapy. I will be seeing Kristin again next Friday. Maybe then I can deal with the anger and frustration of the current and past circumstances. In the meanwhile, I'm trying to keep it from swallowing me whole and to focus on the task at hand. I was completely on track with my food yesterday. I ate much less and stuck to protein. The only treat I allowed myself was a few bites of microwave popcorn. The rest of the day was almost no carbs. I got in all my water and feel the carb haze lifting. I have a slight headache today from carb withdrawal but it is not unexpected. There is no junk food in the house so I will be on track today. So far I have had a few strips of bacon. The eggs will be coming next. My stomach will not allow me to each both together as it is too much food for one sitting. I have a the bacon for breakfast and then a couple of eggs for a mid morning snack. Lunch will probably be some Greek Yogurt. It has a few carbs but I have discovered that I need a few for balance. I am still technically low carbing but I am not doing induction anymore. We each have to find what works for us and this is what I followed to get to my lowest weight. There is just no getting around the fact that I am insulin resistant and that carbs will put weight on me if I'm not careful with them. The best way I can lower my weight is to lower my carbs.

I finished my book about Andy Kaufman last night. It was a tragic end to a comedic genius. He had his flaws and a very unusual perspective on life but what he did shook people up in one way or another and that was his goal all along. The book I read was written by Bob Zmuda, his best friend and there is a lot insight into the real Andy. The book is available at Amazon if anyone is interested.

I have my curtains open today. It is sunny but cold. I am watching for UPS to deliver my Twin Peaks series. It was supposed to come yesterday and I was pretty upset about it being late. It was just one of those things. I had paid extra shipping to get it here yesterday and things just didn't work out. I wrote to Amazon and they refunded the shipping fee so I feel better about it. Mostly, I was just emotional about everything else and was disappointed that Dail and I wouldn't get to start watching the series last night. Both of us had looked forward to it since I ordered it and so last night we were a little sad that our plans were changed. Hopefully UPS will be here in an hour or so and Dail and I can have a pleasant evening getting into a series that interests both of us.

Bethany will be here soon so I better stop now. I just thought I would check in even though I don't really feel like blogging. I will be around later to catch up with everyone and comment.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 4 Post

2012-01-24T14:20:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't get off to a stellar start. Everything has pretty much stayed the same since Saturday. Measurements and weight are the same. I haven't done much reading in the health or diet-related areas but I have been reading some fiction and non-fiction. Right now, I'm reading a biography of Andy Kaufman. I have always been a big fan of his bizarre sense of humor. I guess I identify with his proclivity for making people uncomfortable. Of course, his was intentional and mine wasn't. Mental illness makes people uncomfortable and that isn't restricted only to strangers. People who know you well, even family members, can be uncomfortable and prefer to live in denial of the disease rather than to understand and support the person. Two people in my life feel that my illness is just an excuse I use to get out of doing things like housework and socializing. They prefer to believe that I am faking than to have to admit that someone in their family has an embarrassing mental illness. My mother, and my daughter, Kailee feel that I just don't want to be normal. They have no idea of the pain they cause me when they get together to trash-talk me because of my limitations. All my life, the word "lazy" has been thrown in my face by my mother. She doesn't see the connection between her abuse and my illness and my giving up on trying to win her approval. All these things have melded together to put me into the state I'm in now with the anger and anxiety and depression. I was taught that it was wrong to be angry so I never found an outlet to put it out of myself. It eats me up. I just want to scream or beat the hell out of someone but then I would just feel worse. Kristin and I will be talking more about this in therapy and maybe we can find a way that I can safely vent. For right now, I don't want to see mom or Kailee. I may never want to see my mother again. She has been nothing but poison in my life and now she is spreading that onto my daughter.

I know this isn't a happy little update but it is what I need to blog about. I hope I can maybe write these feelings out and be better by Saturday.

Food is on track for today and I'm working on getting my water in.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

Sunshine

Spaghetti and Meatballs and Bad Words

2012-01-23T23:12:00.000-05:00

Today has been an interesting day. Bethany and Brandon and the kids came over for dinner. Before that I had a visit with my therapist, Kristin. Bethany drove me out to my appointment. I almost forgot all about it. I really didn't feel up to going. I didn't want to leave the house and my comfort zone but Bethany knew about the appointment and she urged me to get ready and go. It wasn't easy. I had to wait for a while for Kristin to be ready for me and I was very anxious. The waiting room was full and I felt very claustrophobic. Anyway, Kristin and I talked about a lot of things that have been going on here. There was some laughter and a few tears as well. I hadn't seen her since November. I learned a few things about what has been eating me and why I have been in turn eating my rage ~~food~~ without thought to the consequences. I seem to be in a highly advanced state of ~~fucking pissed off~~ ANGER over something and it is killing me. I believe I know what it is. Nothing hurts me or makes me angrier than having old wounds ripped wide open. I am not going to go into detail here. All I can say is that I am hurt and that the people who hurt me will never understand what it feels like to live with Schizoaffective Disorder.

Maybe I will be able to talk more about this tomorrow. I am still working all of it out in my head. In the mean time, we are watching Live Free or Die Hard so I can see bad people get the hell beat out of them. I'm tired of turning the other cheek. I'm tired of having my face slapped. I'd like to see a little Karma working around here.

Sunshine

The Cure For Depession

2012-01-23T09:33:00.000-05:00

I know what is is. Well, maybe it isn't a complete cure but it sure makes me feel better. BACON. The best thing about low carbing is BACON. I swear it causes a lift in my spirits and a smile to appear on my face. LOL. Who knew?

It is a wet, rainy, dreary day here today. I don't even want to open my curtains to look out. I prefer to sit in my dimly lit bedroom with the lamps on and just pretend that the sun will be out later. The lamps in here give off a warm pinkish glow and that is comforting to me. I miss my sunshine. I can't wait for spring to get here.

Sunshine

Rediscovering An Old Classic

2012-01-22T10:05:00.000-05:00

Last night after our Die Hard marathon, Dail and I watched the prequel movie to the Twin Peaks series. I am nit completely hooked. I only saw a few episodes when the series was running as I was a busy mom then and didn't have time for television. Now, I am dying to see all the episodes so I am going to order the whole series on DVD with my allowance next week. I have already downloaded the Secret Diary of Laura Palmer onto my Kindle. I'm a little less than half way though it. I stayed up late to read last night. It was so engrossing that I just couldn't put it down. It is such a surreal story and there is so much symbolism that it keeps me interested in trying to figure out what is actually going on. I can't wait to get the series next week. Dail is as interested as me. He saw more of the series when it was on back in the 90s so he is more up to speed on it. He think it will be a great way to get through the cold evenings when we can't go out. The prequel is very freaky and I am anxious to see more of the investigation. I love murder mysteries, though technically it isn't a mystery anymore and I know who the killer is. I do want to know more about BOB though. Spooky dude.

I forgot to blog about it yesterday but my Kindle cover arrived. Now I don't have to worry about anything happening to the screen if I carry it in my purse. It is a leather cover in wine and it has a light. It was fairly expensive and took all my allowance but it is very nice and worth more that the alternatives I saw. It is nice, neat, and compact. Just what I was looking for.

So far today I'm doing okay. I'm down 2 pounds since yesterday. Probably water weight but at least that is a start.. I'm back to square one. Hopefully, I can keep going down and logging my food and have a better week this week. I think I might have better news next Saturday. I hope so anyway.

Enough for now.

Sunshine

Loved The Movie

2012-01-21T18:24:00.000-05:00

Bethany and I ended up going to see "Joyful Noise" with Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah. It was really fun. It was kind of like Sister Act time 10. There was a cat fight scene between Dolly and Queen that was absolutely hilarious. I bet they had a fun time shooting that scene. The only thing I didn't enjoy was the fact that the place was crowded with older ladies and we were surrounded by people who talked through the whole movie. It was like a hen party. There were very few men there. There was a lot of music in the movie that I enjoyed very much. There was a little something for everyone. Bethany and I enjoyed it but kind of wished we could yell STFU to some people.

I'm home now and Dail and I are watching the 4th Die Hard movie. Dinner will be chicken thighs and green beans. Sounds good as I am starving. Bethany has gone to a housewarming for someone she knows and then she will probably come back by here later. She is on vacation this week and it will be good to have her around more often.

It has been a good day other than the popcorn I had at the movie. I had some leftover roast and a protein bar today. The roast from last night was even better today. Thankfully, there weren't many carrots and potatoes left to tempt me. Dail finished most of those off last night. I stuck to protein except for the stupid popcorn. It was good though. I know I could have popped my own and taken it but I feel bad about taking my own food to places that sell food and drinks. I mean, they need to make money to stay in business. It just doesn't feel right. Anyway, I rarely get to go to a movie at a theater so it isn't like I get buttered popcorn that often. It felt like a treat and it will probably will be a couple of months before I get a treat like that again.

Well, the movie is getting interesting so I better stop now. Maybe more later.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Week 3 Update

2012-01-21T09:54:00.001-05:00

It has been a rough week. This will not be the update that I hoped to give this week. I have been stuffing myself with food to deal with my emotions and the stresses that have been in my life. I have found that even though I know the Atkin's Plan does work when I can stick to it, I just can't stick to the restrictiveness of it at this time. When in doubt, go back to the beginning. So, I am going back to the weight loss surgery diet that got me to my lowest weight a few months ago. It is low carb, fairly low fat, low calorie and high protein. It is the plan that got me to a loss of over 180 pounds. It worked for me before, it will work for me again if I can stick with it. The major change I will make will be in logging every bite of food that goes into my mouth. I have Fitday PC on my computer and I intend to make use of it again. I don't know if I will have the energy to post all my food here but I will try to at least post the totals for each day: calories, fat, carbs, and protein. Ideally, I would start this today, but Bethany and I are going to a movie today and I have no faith in my ability to avoid some popcorn. I will try to portion control and get just a small container for us to share and I will stick to plan for the rest of the day. Tomorrow, I will begin in earnest. I will keep myself at home and away from outside temptations until I can get a handle on things. My willpower is lacking and my give a damn is still busted but I am working on that. Here are my stats for this week:

Weight: 168
Waist: 34
Hips: 44

I have gained 1 pound since last week and am up a total of 6 pounds since the week before. Not a stellar showing is it? My waist is 1/2 inch down and my hips are an inch down. In spite of the gain, I seem to be losing inches. I guess my leftover fat is readjusting. I don't doubt that the gain will be showing around my middle soon if I don't do something SOON. I am very frustrated with myself. I wish I had another way of dealing with my emotions. Food has always been my drug of choice. It is an addiction that always flares during the most stressful times in my life. I can't keep allowing myself to be twisted about like a reed in the wind though. I need to gain some kind of control. It is time to set my mind to the task at hand and to ask for help from the people who know what to do. I'm going to contact my surgeon's support group. Also, it is almost time for me to see my surgeon for my yearly checkup. Hopefully though I will get thing in control before seeing him. That appointment isn't until February. I really need help before then. I will be grateful for any support the other challengers can offer. My buddy is doing great with encouraging me but she works a lot and there are a lot of hours a day where I am in the house with nothing to do but eat. I will be glad when the weather is better and my husband and I can get back to hiking. Right now the weather is abysmal.

Exercise has been almost nonexistent this week. Bethany and I managed to get in two days of working out for a bit but then we slacked off. I really need a kick in the pants to get moving. I'm really ashamed of being so sedentary.

I visited my buddy's blog every time she posted and I spoke to her on the phone every day. I saw her almost every day. She is a big help and she is doing well. I have tried to encourage her even though I am struggling.

I tried to get to everyone's blogs this week. I think I got everyone. There were a few times when blogger wouldn't let me comment but I think I got to everyone at least once.

I didn't get much reading done since I finished A Walk In The Sunshine. I am reading through it again and I also got a new book for my Kindle called Wheat Belly. I haven't started it yet but hope to get to it tonight. I have just been too anxious to read, really. I will do better next week.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

Sunshine

More Movies

2012-01-20T17:04:00.000-05:00

Dail is going to stop at Kroger on the way home and get a few things so we are not going out tonight. It will be another quiet evening at home watching Die Hard movies. We might stay up a little later tonight because tomorrow is Saturday and Dail can go in to work whenever he wants. I think dinner tonight will be chuck roast with mushrooms and a few potatoes and carrots. I won't have time to use the crock pot but the last one I did in the oven turned out great. Very tender and flavorful. I'm hoping we can get the same result this time. It was really delicious. I am a big meat and potatoes fan anyway and so I will love the roast and the mushroom but take it easy on the rest. Tomorrow begins my new resolve to log my food again. I will spend some time tonight putting my usual foods into my Fitday PC program. Most of them are there but I have added a few Atkins and low carb products that aren't in there.

Bethany and I may go to a movie tomorrow evening for a girls day out. We are wanting to see Beauty and the Beast 3D. It should be fun. I loved that movie when it first came out and was always a Robby Benson fan in my youth. Everyone else was crazy about Shaun Cassidy but I was always hung up on Robby Benson. In fact, my little brother, who was born when I was 15, was named Robert and called Robby at my suggestion. Of course, Robby Benson's real first name was Robin so it doesn't really count.

I am feeling a bit anxious and lonely this evening. Dail will have to close the office tonight and then go by the store before he can come home but hopefully, it won't take too long and he will be here. I really start missing him and getting anxious when it gets dark. It is darkening here now. Of course, it has been a little dark and dreary all day. I hate days like this. I need some sunshine soon.

I guess that is about all for now. I need to stop and find something to occupy my mind.

Sunshine

Movie Night

2012-01-20T10:36:00.000-05:00

Last night Dail and I had movie night. He rented all the Die Hard movies plus one Twins Peaks episode. We got through the first Die Hard movie before we got tired and went on to bed. It was a fun night. We had Chinese for dinner but I skipped the rice. I had mostly the meat from Mongolian Beef and about 3 chicken wing pieces. It was good and though I should have aimed for lower calories, I didn't. Hopefully, tomorrow can be a brand new day and I can start with my logging. It will take me some time to get my customs foods logged into my fitday. This is one of the chores that makes logging so frustrating. I hate adding new foods. It is a pain in the ass. Enough about that though.

I am doing okay today. Just took my morning meds and am waiting for them to kick in. I'm working on my water. I need more water and mix but it will have to wait until Dail gets off.

I can't really think of anything else to say right now. I will blog more later. Don't know what is wrong with me today. Just tired I guess..

Sunshine

Fact vs Fiction: Losing The Weight

2012-01-19T13:40:00.000-05:00

It took me two years to lose in excess of 180 pounds. I swore I would not be one of the statistics. I swore I would not be one of the gastric bypassers who had the 10 -15 pound regain after a couple of years, yet here I sit, at 15 pounds above my lowest weight, approaching the 3rd anniversary of my surgery. How did I get here? I got myself here because I got TIRED. I got BORED. I got LAZY. I got BURNOUT. I stopped logging my food. The only person who can get me back where I was is me. I am going to be working on my mental attitude for a few days and hopefully by Saturday, I will be ready with my Fitday program to pick up where I left off. It is time to log. It is time to count. It is time to measure. Every bite that goes into my mouth. THAT is the road to success. I am not going to forget my food plan. I still believe in low carbing BUT I know that I cannot be as restrictive as I have been. It sets me up for binges. I am going back to my gastric plan to allow 60 carbs per day. That is about where Atkins OWL program kicks in. This should be enough carbs to satisfy my cravings and still be able to lose weight. I will also be lowering my fat a little. Atkins is a high fat diet but I have been taking it to extremes. I need to temper that a little. I will also keep an eye on my total calories. I'm not going to set a limit until I see what works for me. I will keep it low enough to keep losing but high enough to keep me functioning. When in doubt, always go back to the basics.

Let's be honest here. Logging food is hard. It is a pain in the ass and no one wants to log their food forever, however, it may be what it takes for some of us to be successful in the long run. I guess the bottom line is whether or not we are willing to do whatever it takes. I think I may have to log my food forever, and if so, then I need to get on it and get used to the idea. It may not seem normal to continue with something so inconvenient forever, but what is the alternative? I would rather work a little harder and be inconvenienced than to be morbidly obese again.

Just thought I would share my thoughts this afternoon. I hope all of you are doing well.

Sunshine

Good Morning. It's A Brand New Day...

2012-01-19T09:55:00.000-05:00

Having a little bit of trouble waking up. I'm still tired from watching movies last night. The movie was "Die Hard 2". I had never seen either one of the Die Hard movies but was hooked from the beginning.The only problem is that I'm getting old and can't stay up late like I used to so I fell asleep so I didn't get to see it all. In consolation though, I am having Dail rent both movies tonight so that we can watch them. We have a local video store that rents 7 movies for $7 for 7 days. It is only for movies that aren't new releases but it very reasonable. It will also give me something to do while Dail is at work tomorrow. I love entertainment..

I will be taking my meds shortly and should be feeling more awake soon. I'm also watching "Down Periscope." It is a comedy with Kelsey Grammar. I like him a lot but I don't like his new "Boss" series. He is a scary bad guy and it is hard to be sympathetic with his character. I think he should go back to comedy.

I have been on plan so far today. Hoping for a better day today. I need to get some water in though. I'm hoping I don't run out of mix before Dail gets to the store this evening. I think Dail said he is too tired for us to go out shopping tonight so he is just going to run by Kroger on his way home. I think dinner will be either chicken thighs or hamburgers.

Off to tackle another day in the trenches.

Sunshine

I Was BAAAAAD Today

2012-01-18T20:24:00.000-05:00

I hate junk all day. It started bad and ended bad. Bethany came by but neither of us could find the will to work out. I have got to get back on my plan tomorrow. There are no excuses. My will is just weak and my "give a damn" is busted, as the song says. I am just too depressed or messed up to care much about my health or plan. Maybe it is a temporary state because I was out of some of my meds for several days. I just got them back yesterday and it hasn't been enough time for them to kick in yet. Maybe in a few days I can get myself together and get back in the game. Right now I feel pretty down on myself. I'm trying to distract myself from further eating tonight. Dail and I are watching "The Sum of All Fears." It is a great movie with Morgan Freeman and Ben Affleck. I know I am rambling from subject to subject here but I just wanted to blog and clear my mind of all these crazy thoughts. I wonder if the lack of Lithium affected me so much? I don't have much experience with it or with being out of it. I need to be more careful about my refills. It is easier now that we have insurance again. Most of my scripts are $10 co-pays. Most of Dail's are too. The only catch is that for script that lasts longer than a month, like Dail's testosterone, we have to pay 3 months worth or $30 for the vial. Thankfully, we are both on mostly generic scripts. We would be pretty much screwed if we were on name brands. The insurance only pays 50% of name brands and medicines are very expensive these days. It also looks as if I can get reimbursed for all or part of my meds check up visits. That is an unexpected plus, if it works out. My psych is semi-retired so she doesn't take insurance anymore because she doesn't have a staff to do her paperwork but she is still on the provider lists as being covered so I can file a claim and probably get reimbursed. My therapist, Kristin, will probably be covered except for a 30% co-pay. At least, I'm hoping that is works out like that. I won't know until the insurance information booklet arrives. I do wish they would hurry. It is hard to get the care we have waited a year for when we don't know what is covered.

As usual, I will have to practice my patience.

Sunshine

Supporting A Free Internet

2012-01-18T14:33:00.000-05:00

I can understand the reasoning behind protesting a bad idea but if their point is censorship, why should I participate in censoring myself? NOBODY will shut me up today for any reason. I would rather protest by SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE than silently and in darkness. To each, his own.

Sunshine

New Day Dawning

2012-01-18T08:50:00.000-05:00

I was up pretty early today after staying up last night to watch "Capote": again. It amazes me the likeness and similarities between the real Truman Capote and Phillip Seymour Hoffman. He did an excellent job portraying Capote and he deserved the Oscar and other awards he won for it. Truman Capote died before I was really old enough to know who he was and what he had written. I am slowly going through his works as I'm very interested in them. Most of his work is fictional but there are shades of autobiographical incidents in some of his work, I'm told. I would love to read a biography of him and I think that is the next thing I will download for my Kindle. Of course, I really need to get into my health related books. I vow today to read some of "Living Low Carb" before the day is over. I sort of put it aside for Atkins but it is a very interesting and use friendly book. I look forward to getting back into it. I will review some of it on Saturday.

It seems like everyone is having a rough week this week. I hate to see that as we have all just barely started on the challenge but perseverance is hard to achieve and that where most of us are lacking this week. I think we need to be supporting each other and offering encouragement. I will try to get to the blog I haven't gotten to yet today and see if there is anything I can offer in the way of support. I know some of you just aren't feeling well and I can surely relate to that. It is hard not to turn to food when you are upset, lonely, ill, or bored. At least, this is the case with me. I hope that during times like this we can count on each other to shore up the weak and share the what strength there is.

I really need to go get some breakfast now. Plus I need to start on my water. I am wishing all of us a good day and I hope to see you posting again soon.

Sunshine

Finally Saw Dr. G

2012-01-17T15:08:00.000-05:00

I made it in to my appointment today in spite of the fact that I didn't really feel like leaving the house. She gave me scripts with refills on all my meds and told me that I don't have to come back for a month. It was a good session. Dail and I drove by Dr. B's to get his scripts and then we dropped everything off at the pharmacy. By the time it was all done, I was ready to come home.

Bethany will be by later to work out but right now I feel like taking a nap. I don't know why I am so tired today. I just can't seem to get up and go.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 3 Post

2012-01-17T08:56:00.000-05:00

I am up early this morning in spite of staying up until 1 am watching Armageddon. I didn't get to watch it all as I fell asleep but I love the movie. It is one of my favorite. It has a great cast and I like all of them. Anyway, I just can't keep the late nights like I used to. Dail fell asleep just as the movie was coming on. He is having computer problems at work so he had to get there early this morning. It looks like he is in line for a new computer. His is about to crash as it is several years old and has a lot wrong with it. The company that is supposed to be helping them with spyware and virus issues seems to be slacking on the job. They create problems and Dail has to fix them. They have actually made his job even harder because he has to go behind them and fix the issues they create. I wish they would just get rid of them and hire Dail and assistant who could be willing to do things the right way, the way Dail does things. Dail has been in that job for 10 years and he knows the best way to manage the servers etc. He just needs a team player to help carry the burden. They hoped this company would be of some help but instead they have only contributed to the problem. Dail is exhausted all the time. I hope that soon they will get him some legitimate help. As it is, it will be very hard for him to go on vacation. We are planning a hiking trip but Dail is worried about what will happen if we are in a place where we can't be reached. It could be potentially problematic. Dail's boss will tell him to go anyway, but he rarely gets a vacation where he doesn't get called in. We have adjusted our sight for our first trip to a shorter and more manageable hike. We will hike a trail called Grapeyard Ridge trail. There are 2 campsites up there and we will stay a couple of night at one campsite then hike to the next one and spend a couple of days. Nick doesn't want to go with us as he doesn't want to be away from his computer friends that long but I am going to try to talk him into it. It would be good for him to go. More about that as my training goes along.

Julie stopped by yesterday with some advice for packing my backpack. I'm going to listen to her as she knows her stuff. I'm going to remove some of the weight and start with a smaller amount until I get used to it. I need to build up and not try to do so much at once.I will remove the handweights from my pack and will just carry the actual equipment that I already have. Later on I can add the food and the changes of clothing. Within the next couple of weeks I am going to order a food dehydrator so that we can dry our own food for the trips. The pre-packaged stuff is pricey. Besides that, I can dehydrate the foods I'm allowed to have and leave the starches alone. I may have to add some carbs for the trip as it is hard to low carb when you are burning excessive calories with exercise. Kelly, over at Happy Texans, is running and low carbing at the same time. I will be interested to see how that goes for her. She is a real inspiration.

My weight is down a little from Saturday. I'm at 165 today. That is a two pound loss since Saturday and I am relieved to see a loss. I hope that by next Saturday's update, I can show more of a loss. Measurements are the same. I am re-reading "A Walk For Sunshine". It is very inspirational and motivational for me. It gets me up off my butt and into my pack to train. I realize I'm starting at a very slow pace but I will eventually get there. Bethany is coming by after work ti work out again. I will try walking longer with less weight this time.

I have been visiting blogs all week and have left some encouragement, I hope. I try to be honest and positive at the same time. I have spoken to my buddy, Bethany every day and we cheer each other on.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
":Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. " John Lennon

I have been spending some time in prayer and meditation each day. I hope it helps all of us. It is hard to get my mind quiet enough for meditation but I am working on it. It will help when I get my meds today. I have an appointment with Dr. G this afternoon. More later...

Sunshine

Dinner and a Movie

2012-01-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

Dinner is on the stove. We are having pan-fried steak with potatoes and mushrooms. Needless to say, I will take it easy on the potatoes. I got Dail and myself a new movie for Christmas. It is the movie "Legend" with Tom Cruise. The set includes both the theatrical version with the Tangerine Dream score and the Director's cut with Jerry Goldsmith's score. We are watching the Director's Cut right now but I don't like music as well as the Tangerine Dream score. No offense to Jerry Goldsmith. The Tangerine Dream score is hummable and singable. I love the last song : "Loved By The Sun." I wish I could get a soundtrack of that score but it is out of print and only collectors offer it for sale at very high prices. Maybe some day it will be re-released.

Bethany came over this evening and we got in a little exercise. Bethany was able to do more than me and she had already worked all day. I got in 10 minutes on the treadmill at the highest elevation and with a 35 pound pack on my back. The pack is still a little awkward. It isn't conforming right to my back so I was in a bit of a strain with my lower back and shoulders. I need to take the internal frame bars out and reshape them to fit me. I just don't know enough about how to do it to do it on my own. I am thinking I need to find an outdoor outfitters store and have them adjust it for me. I also need to rearrange the contents of the pack. Julie gave me some good advice and I will try to repack it more like she told me to.

Bethany is coming back tomorrow to work out again. We are more likely to work out when we are together so she will be coming often. I want to keep working with the pack but it is hard to get it on without some help. I don't have much upper body strength yet so I can't lift the pack up onto my shoulders without help. It may be a little too heavy for just starting out. I am just trying to be realistic about how much weight I will need to be used to carrying when we go on overnight trips.

I really felt the burn of the workout even though it was only 10 minutes. I felt it in my legs, shoulders and back. I was out of breath and sweaty too. I guess that means it was a pretty good workout. I just need to keep pushing myself until I get into some kind of shape.

Sorry. I took a break for dinner. Had a LOVELY ribeye with mushrooms and a couple of small new potatoes. VERY OUTSTANDINGLY good.

Now I am full and need to digest. This was the best steak I have had in a while. Dail is GREAT with steaks. Of course, he is great with many things. :)

More later.

Sunshine

On Track and Working On Moving More

2012-01-16T09:01:00.000-05:00

In spite of the serious carb cravings I had last night, I was able to avoid them by having a little low carb yogurt and some bacon and eggs. The protein filled up my psychological need to eat and I didn't break the Atkin's plan. I am down 2 pounds from Saturday but tomorrow will be my official midweek weigh in. I hope to be down another pound by then. It is coming off slower this time but at least the scale is moving in the right direction.

I didn't make it onto the treadmill yesterday but Nicholas got my exercise room all set up. Bethany will be coming by after work. She is my challenge buddy and we will be working out together. I am more likely to be able to get some moving in when she is here. She inspires me with all she does.

I'm still encouraged by the book I've been reading about hiking the AT. I have finished the book but now I'm re-reading it to get ideas and tips for what I hope will be Dail's and my back country adventure. We have plenty of time to train before Dail will take his vacation. Because the hike will start at the highest peak of the Smoky Mountains we have to wait until the weather is better to start. We don't want to get caught in a snow storm. I am very excited to prepare for this trip and the planning will be fun too. Dail isn't quite as excited as I am. He wonders if we will be able to manage the pace we will need to set for ourselves. I think if we train appropriately we should be fine. Of course, it will be harder for him to train as he works so many hours but I have nothing much to do but train. I just need to make myself get going.

Things are going well here at home. I still miss Kailee and Mike but I know they are better off on their own. It has taken a burden off us and we will be in better financial shape in a few weeks since there is only the 3 of us to support. I hope they make it okay. They should be able to if they manage their money well.

I guess that is all for now.

Sunshine

Carb Cravings To The MAX

2012-01-15T19:17:00.000-05:00

I am craving carbs so strongly that I am on the verge of giving in. I'm trying to substitute protein so that I can manage the cravings. Arrg. I hate having to go through induction again. Just another few days and I should be okay though. God, help me hang on.

Sunshine

Cold and Bored

2012-01-15T11:59:00.000-05:00

It is very cold here so I guess today's hike is off. Dail is still sleeping and is showing no signs of waking up any time soon. My guess is that he will want to sleep in today so I guess that means my walking will be on the treadmill. I am too cold to get out from under the covers though so it will have to wait until I get something warm inside me. Nicholas is changing the litter boxes and then he will make us some of his famous eggs. I love his soft scrambled eggs. While I am snuggling under the covers to stay warm, I am watching We Were Soldiers on TV. I love Mel Gibson in spite of his recent peccadillos. He is like so many other people who shouldn't drink. Enough about that though.

I am very bored today. There isn't much to do but lie here and wait for Dail to get up. I will eventually get to the treadmill but I'm having trouble with my motivation at the moment. My nose is all stuffy from the dry heat and I just feel blah. I have my new Kindle but I have read so much during the last few days that I am bored of reading. I love the movie that is on but I have to keep the sound down so as not to wake Dail. I could go in the den to watch it but it is cooler in there and I am already cold. For some reason, I am always cold without carbs. I have been right on track this morning, but I am getting hungry now.

I'm going to go check on my eggs but I might be blogging again soon. There just isn't much to keep me occupied today.

Sunshine

Just Waking Up This Morning

2012-01-15T08:50:00.000-05:00

Dail and I were up kind of late watching movies. I don't know if we will be going on the hike or not. It is tempting to be able to stay in the warm house and out of the bitter cold. Whether we go or not, I will still get some time in on the treadmill with my newly adjusted pack. Today I will set my sights a little higher. I would like to manage 3 10 minute interval today for a total of 30 minutes. I am walking at the slowest speed right now but at the highest elevation. It puts my body into a awkward position, as in leaning forward to climb but those are the muscles I need to develop. I have weighted down my pack with 35 pounds of gear and hand weights just to get used to carrying the load. Dails pack is slightly less heavy but he doesn't have everything in there yet, My pack is slightly larger than his. It is possible that my actual gear will not weigh as much as I have packed right now but it is a good idea to train with more than I need so that I will have the endurance I need when the time comes for a real trail.

Dail and I are playing with hiking the Appalachian Trail in sections. The first section we are thinking of attempting is here in our own national park. The section is about 80 miles and runs from Clingman's Dome, south into Wesser, NC at the Nantahala Gorge. Dail and Nick and I were at the Nantahala Gorge when we took our train trip last fall. It is lovely and there is a hostel there for hikers to stay. We think we could drive there and leave our car, and then have Bethany drop us off at Clingman's Dome for the beginning of the hike. We will have to do some training to get to the point where we can walk about 14 miles a day to be able to do the trip in a week but I think we can do it. I REALLY want to do it. If it turns out to be a successful trip then we will plan other section hikes of the AT and do the whole trail in sections whenever we can spare the time. Our only concern is about safety on the trail. You never know who you might meet on a trail in the mountains. Most hikers are a good lot and there is something of a good will effort among trail enthusiast called "trail magic" but still, there are bad apples everywhere too. It is a little daunting to think of being completely cut off from family and friends but it is also exciting and I think that if we do it it will be a big adventure. I'll keep you posted on how my training goes.

The plan is going well today. I have had my morning medicine and am about to add some caffeine. I am out of Lithium and almost out of Thorazine. I will be seeing Dr. G on Tuesday and can get those medicines then. I will be more careful next time and will try not to miss appointments anymore. I missed two appointments with her because I just didn't want to leave the house or ask Kailee to take me out. That was after relations with Kailee were strained. Anyway, Dail will be taking me Tuesday afternoon and I will finally be able to get my medications refilled.

I need to get some breakfast soon so I'm going to stop now. I have big dreams and I hope I also have the motivation and the perseverance to see them realized. Breakfast will probably be bacon and eggs. That is my favorite breakfast these days. First though, some caffeine.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend. Mine has been good except for the med withdrawal.

Sunshine

Just Because I Feel Like Posting

2012-01-14T20:51:00.000-05:00

It is starting to get late. Dail and Nick are home and we have had dinner. I had the meat from two whopper jrs. It was good. I did also have the onions and pickles as well. I didn't get in trouble today until I sneaked a few of Dail's fries. I was low on carbs today though so I'm sure I didn't have enough to cause an insulin spike. Just a few bites after having none all day. Now I have some healthy snacks here. I have some Atkin's bars and some pork skins. We are having homemade burgers another night this week and so I wanted something for myself so that I wouldn't be tempted by the boy's chips. We also have some steaks that we are going to pan-fry with mushrooms. I LOVE steak with mushrooms. It is good filling food for the Atkins plan.

Dail and Nick are watching calories too but they are not happy with doing the true Atkins plan. They will be having some meals that I won't partake of but they are meals that won't really tempt me anyway. It is difficult sometimes to prepare separate meals but we will manage. I just want to get to the place where Atkins comes naturally and I don't have to think so much about how many carbs I'm having. I lost the habit during Thanksgiving and now I'm having trouble getting back into it. It will take me about a month of solid conformity to the plan but then I should be okay.

There are so many schools of though about carbs and protein and which you should increase for activity. The hiker I have been reading about lived almost exclusively on carbs during his 6 month long hike. He ate massive quantities of food yet lost about 30 pounds during the course of the 6 months. Of course, he didn't start our with an insulin or a weight problem. I am curious to know if I will need to change my plan if and when I become really active. It is my intention to train for extended hiking trips. Dail and I are watching the weather for a good time to go. We are planning to go out tomorrow for a short reintroduction to hiking,. We have gotten soft and out of shape. I hope that it won't rain tomorrow. I will report in whether we go or not. If it rains us out I will spend some time on the treadmill. I am getting seriously motivated. I REALLY want to be a serious hiker.

I'm going to stop for now. One of my favorite movies is coming on: March of the Penguins.

Sunshine

Regular Flu or Induction Flu?

2012-01-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

Feeling rough at the moment. I was able to get in some treadmill time. I walked slowly but at the highest incline my treadmill has. I wore Dail's pack which weighs about 33 pounds. I made it for 5 minutes before I got out of breath and dizzy. His pack is just not made for me. It is adjusted to fit the contours of his body. I need to get my pack adjusted to me so that I can hike and train without hurting myself. As it was, I think Dail's pack might be a little more weight than I should start out with. I will work on packing out my backpack tonight. Dail has said he would like us to go on a short hike tomorrow, in spite of the cold. We will bundle up and go back to the McCarter Cemetery in Green Briar. It is about a mile hike there and a mile back so that should be a good starting place. I will take my small pack for this first trip back into the mountains and just make the goal, getting there and back without hurting myself. We will rest as necessary.

After I got in my treadmill time, I had a protein bar and then my medication but in spite of the Ritalin, I fell asleep. I guess that was my late night showing. I was up until 1 am and then got up this morning at 8 am. I guess my body needed more rest, the Ritalin not withstanding. I woke up feeling bad though. I am shaking and chilling. I always get cold when I am off the carbs but I don't always get shaky like this. I am guessing it is carb withdrawal but it is nothing more than I deserve after my bad behavior this week. Hopefully, it isn't regular flu. I do have a headache too and it feels cold in the house but I did have a flu shot this year. I will give it a couple of days before I call in the doctor. I was starving before my nap but now I don't seem to have any appetite. It might be that even 5 minutes on the treadmill has affected my appetite. I am hoping to be able to do 5 more minutes without the pack later today. I will let you know how it goes.

I am working on a long-term project for me and Dail and maybe Nick. Right now, we don't have the finances to fund a 6 month long trip through the Appalachian Trail but I am think we can section hike it during Dail's vacations. We can start at the beginning and walk as far as we can in a week or ten days, then stop and come home and on Dail's next vacation we can pick up where we left off. Hundreds of people do this every year. Very few have the means to invest to full 6 months or so that it takes the average person to traverse the trail. I might be dreaming but it is something that I would really like to do and today I took one step toward training for that goal. Hopefully, the thought of being out there will keep me moving forward to one day reach my goal.

I'm going to stop now and get back under the covers. I think keeping warm is helping with the shaking too.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Week 2 Update

2012-01-14T09:24:00.000-05:00

So, the day of reckoning has arrived. It has been a very emotional and bad week for me. Having my daughter announce that she was moving out really threw me for a loop. Just as I have done for most of my life, I turned to food to relief my depression and frustration. I think I have now adjusted to the idea that they are gone. They moved out yesterday and I am feeling some peace about it but it was a difficult day and I stuffed my feeling and loneliness with food. It is all reflected in my numbers. I am ashamed to post them but they say confession is good for the soul.

My weight for today is 167. I'm up 5 pounds from last week. I know some of this is water as I had a lot of salt for dinner last night. Not all of it can be explained by water retention though. I messed up and now I need to pay the piper. I can not find my tape measure. Judging by the way my clothes fit, I am back to where I started. I will use those measurements and then if I find my tape measure, I will update this post.

Waist: 34 1/2
Hips: 45
Bust: 38

I haven't been on plan very well this week. I had a few good days but mostly I was in '"don't care" mode as I was so down. I am fully willing to take the consequences and jump back into the challenge with new enthusiasm. Today is a brand new day and I intend to make a new start.

Exercise was minimal. There were a couple of days that I got up and moving but the plan that I had never materialized. I have got to get a little tougher on myself. I CAN do this if I want it bad enough. I was ruthless with my plan for most of the two years after surgery and it is time to apply that to getting in shape. Starting today, I am going to train for extended hiking. I am going to wear Dail's pack and walk on the treadmill every day for as long as I can. I may have to start with 5 minutes and work my way up but I am determined that this will start TODAY and will continue at least 5 days a week. I will try to increase my time by 5 minutes every week. I intend to set the treadmill at the highest elevation so that when the time comes to begin my hike for real, I can manage any level of climbing.

My reading went really well. I have added a new book to my list of challenge books. Unlike the others, it is about getting in shape, setting goals and working toward them rather than being about diet. It is called "A Walk For Sunshine" by Jeff Alt. He set a goal of walking the Appalachian Trail all in one long trip in an effort to raise money for The Sunshine House, a home for people with physical and mental disabilities. His brother is a resident there and this was an effort to give back to the home for their excellent care of his brother. The book chronicles his journey from Georgia to Maine and includes day to day observations and stories about who he met on the trail and the obstacles he encountered. It is very inspirational to read about the adversity he overcame and the understanding of the higher power that was watching over him. This book is an excellent read and is available at Amazon. I have it on my Kindle and it is well worth the purchase price. I highly recommend it to anyone who loves the outdoors and adventures in nature.

Here is a quote from the book:

"On my thru-hike, I discarded items from my backpack that did nothing but weigh me down. I was more efficient and agile with a lighter pack. I return to the mountains often to metaphorically lighten my pack of life. It's easy to get bogged down in our daily lives by taking on extra responsibilities, spending more time on work projects than with family, running in all directions without a focus. Hiking helps me regroup and separate my priorities from the responsibilities that I've shouldered. It's amazing how much more refreshed and successful I am after I realign my focus and goals."

This is true.When Dail and I were hiking every weekend, everything was clearer and less confused. Getting away from the world for even a few hours reset my focus onto the more important things of life and I could feel my stress melting away. I definitely want that feeling again, so until the weather is better, I will be training to hit the trails again so that we can spend more time getting away from the day to day stresses. That is my new goal for this challenge. To get in good enough shape to be able to hike for extended periods.

I did well with water this week. It is effortless now to get in all my fluids.

I talked with my buddy and daughter every day and we encouraged each other through we both did stumble this week. We are recommitting today and I have no doubt that Bethany can do this. She will be here soon to post her link. She is without internet for the time being so she will be coming here to post her updates.

I commented on as many blogs as I could get to, offering encouragement. This isn't hard for me as I have a lot of time on my hands. I hope I was helpful and commented in ways that were positive and encouraging. I wish us all well on the rest of the challenge.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

Sunshine

Confessions On A Friday Night

2012-01-13T20:53:00.000-05:00

I have been BAD. I completely blew my plan all day today and half the day yesterday. I have been so stressed about Kailee moving out and the Kindle not working for a while and being out of some meds and I completely lost my self-control. Tomorrow is going to be my do it or die day. I'm starting over. I'm going to get back on the Atkin's plan and I'm going to do some treadmill walking. There are no more excuses. I have my house back. I have all the privacy I could want.

I spent most of the day today reading a new book. It is called "A Walk Fort Sunshine". Isn't that appropriate for me? It is the story of a young man's hiking trip from one end of the Appalachian Trail to the other. I will post more about it in my update tomorrow. I haven't weighed today. I'm afraid of what the scale will tell me. First thing in the morning I will weigh and measure myself and give a full accounting of myself. My best area is in the reading area. I will have finished the book by tomorrow and it is motivating me to get moving. More about that tomorrow.

I know some of you will come by and give me a good ass kicking. I need a severe one. I don't know if I have done damage or not. The scale will show it tomorrow.

Cheers and hopefully, better days ahead.

Sunshine

Feeling Down But Trying To Stay Positive

2012-01-13T12:38:00.000-05:00

I'm missing Kailee and Mike and am feeling a little panicky about handling things around here by myself. I'm also worried about how they are going to make it. They have already had to borrow food money from us and they are just moving to their new place today. We didn't have much to loan them as we have to buy medicine this week but we did what we could.

Bethany and Brandon are struggling too. It is just a rough time of year. I talked to Bethany a little while ago and she will be here soon. She is picking up Dail's medication for me. We finally got our insurance cards so all three of his scripts should only be a $10 co-pay each. I also have 3 script to get but I can't get in touch with Dr. G. There was some miscommunication about the pharmacy phone number and she wasn't able to call in my meds yesterday. She told me she would try again today but I haven't heard from her. The pharmacy will close at 6 pm and won't open again until Monday. I am out of Lithium and almost out of Depakote and Thorazine. I really need these meds as I feel an emotional meltdown coming on. I have been rather teary today but I know it is mostly because of Kailee leaving. I have been out of Lithium for two days and that may be having an affect too. I have an appointment with Dr. G on Tuesday so if I can hang on until then, I will be okay.

Bethany and Brandon are going out to dinner tonight and we decided to all get together again at a local restaurant. Dail and Nick and I were planning to go out anyway so we will just make it a group event and enjoy ourselves. Jasmine will be with us too but Chase is spending the night with his great grandmother, as he usually does on Friday nights. It should be a fun evening. After dinner, Dail and Nick and I will get groceries. I will do some walking I hope, and get some exercise.

I just needed to blog for something to do. I'm lonely and sad and missing Kailee and thought blogging my feelings would help. Bethany will be coming back here soon and that will help me to feel better. Hopefully, I will be back to myself after a night out on the town.

Sunshine

New Day

2012-01-13T09:04:00.000-05:00

It is a new day. There is snow on the ground but really only a light dusting. The way the wind was howling last night you would have thought it was a blizzard. It was blowing the siding and the shingles and making the power flicker. I was worried the power would go out but it didn't, thank goodness. It has been an interesting morning. Kailee and Mike are packing to leave. I am sad about it but also a little relieved. I am planning to get into my Kindle in a little while when things settle down. I had scrambled eggs with ham and cheese for breakfast. It was okay but Nick made them in the microwave and they were not up to his usual standards. In fact, I have kind of a tummy ache. He usually makes my eggs soft scrambled in a skillet. Kailee and Mike are now gone. The last thing they did was ask to borrow more money.

Bethany came by to use the laptop. She is still without internet so she needs to use ours to file her taxes. It seems like all of us are having trouble recovering from Christmas spending. Next week will see big improvements in Dail and my situation. He will get a full check and we will be able to put something back for a rainy day. I can't wait to be able to see the savings account rise.

Hopefully, we will be going out to get groceries tonight. We will probably have dinner somewhere too. It will be a fun night out but it is also bitterly cold here and the wind cuts like a knife. I will have to get out all my cold weather gear to go out. Weather this cold makes me want to huddle under the covers and stay in. Later, I'm going to get Nick to help me get my exercise room back in order. Time to get training and moving. Hopefully, my new Kindle book with get me motivated to really train for hiking and back country camping. The weather is bad for those things right now but that doesn't mean I can't spend my days getting in shape.

Gotta run now.

Sunshine

Snow and Scary Movies

2012-01-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

It is snowing here still. There is about and inch on the ground. I'm not sure how much we are supposed to get but it isn't coming down to hard now.

I'm getting ready to go to bed but I wanted to blog so that I can erase the memory of a disturbing movie before I go to sleep. Dail and I were watching The Happening with Mark Wahlberg. People were reacting to a neurotoxin and were committing mass suicide. Very disturbing. I tried not to watch. We didn't watch it all. Dail is going to sleep now and I decided to take my mind off it by blogging. I feel better now.

We got my Kindle connected and now I am just charging and reading. I LOVE it and finally can enjoy it the way I have wanted to all day. Talk about a test of patience! Whew. It was a long day waiting.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I hope I wake up to a lot of snow on the ground.

Sunshine

Change In Plans

2012-01-12T20:21:00.000-05:00

Bethany and Brandon had an internet outage at their house so instead of our going there, they came here. We have had a good time. The boys are playing with the X Box and Bethany and I are in the bedroom surfing the net. Well, technically... I'm blogging.

It has been a little bit of a stressful day. I really want my Kindle connected but there hasn't been time for it yet. Dail and Nicholas can't figure out the password. I'm very frustrated. I hope they will be able to get it done tonight because it will be difficult to get through another day without being connected. Dail won't be here to work on it tomorrow.

I was able to connect long enough to get a couple of books. I got a double novel by Mary Balogh, one of my favorite romance authors. I also got a book, I can't remember the name, that is about a man who hiked the whole Appalachian Trail in about 6 months. The book chronicles his journey from day to day and it is a fascinating read. I am learning a lot of good tips about hiking and back country camping. Dail is working on my Kindle now or I would put the title here but anyway, the young man made the hike in order to raise money for a home for disabled people. He was able to raise about $16000 in 1998, I think it was. I think that someday, if Dail and I ever have the time and the money to do it, we might make that trek. As soon as Kailee and Mike move out tomorrow, I'm going to steal myself to get moving and I'm going to start training on my treadmill for hiking steep trails. That will be my exercise from now on.

I'm getting kind of tired now so I'm going to stop but I hope to be back on tomorrow and hopefully, will be connected. I can't spend any more money on books but I can download some free ones once I am connected. I wish everyone a good night.

Sunshine

Complications... DAMMIT!!!

2012-01-12T12:55:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a bit irate. Yes. I expected it to be a good day. No. I didn't account for complications. My Kindle is here and I am loving it. I ordered a skin to go over it and it is a PINK skin. I love it. The problem I am having is in connecting to our Wi Fi. Neither Dail nor Nicholas remembers our code key so I will have to wait until Dail gets home and see what we can do about getting me connected. I was able to briefly connect to a neighbors wireless and downloaded my Atkins book so I do have something to read on the Kindle but I really want to be able to figure out how to navigate the thing online and having to wait is stretching my limited patience. Have I ever mentioned that I am the most IMPATIENT person you could ever meet? I am. I like to have everything RIGHT NOW. I need to learn to channel my restlessness, I know. I used to be a daydreamer but my thoughts are too chaotic these days. Anyway, this has been a day or mixed blessings. While I as trying to get my Kindle connected, I messed up the wireless on my laptop. It was down for about an hour and I was going crazy. Then Nick got back up and got my laptop working again. Whew! I should know better than to fool with anything electronic as it never goes well. Hopefully, Dail will be able to get the code from his laptop when he gets home and I can set up the Kindle then. Plus, Bethany invited Nick and Dail and I over to their place for dinner and games. We didn't make it over there last night as Dail was just too tired. They have a Kinnect game called Ninja Fruit, that sounds like a hoot. The game throws fruit at you and you get to karate chop it for points. I would say it will be an unusual experience.

Kailee and Mike will be moving out tomorrow. I am hating to see them go but maybe all concerned will be better off. It will take a financial burden off us and maybe we can save some money with fewer people to support. I will miss having Kailee around as she has been good company for me but it is time for me to become more dependent on myself. I hope they can make it on their own. I know they can if they will just manage their money a little better.

I'm going to stop now. I'm letting the Kindle charge. Thanks for letting me vent.

Sunshine

Watching For UPS

2012-01-12T09:07:00.000-05:00

Today is the day! My Kindle will be arriving soon. I have the curtains drawn back and I have my little face pressed against the window watching for the big brown truck with UPS on the side. Well, not literally but I am watching from my bedroom for the roar of the truck and the knock at the door. Nick is up with me and he is scrambling some eggs with ham in some real butter. I LOVE Atkins. There is only one thing to mar the morning. Our bank account is in the red. The house insurance, which is an automatic payment, went through this morning and bounced our account. We weren't expecting it until next week and so Dail is understandably upset. If I had waited to order my Kindle until my allowance for today was in the bank we wouldn't have the overdraft fee. I feel really bad about causing him more stress. I just was so impatient to get the Kindle I asked for my allowance in advance, not knowing that the house insurance would be coming out today. Dail gets his check today so we will be able to take care of everything. We are having to deal with less money right now because the insurance premiums are now coming out of Dail's check plus the last twp checks have been short because of the holiday pay. They have been regular pay and not the overtime pay he is used to. It makes more of a difference than you might think. Anyway, if we can just make it through another week without going under, then things should be much better. Until then, I'm afraid Dail is going to be discouraged and that he will get depressed until we are caught up again. I hope to talk to him later and make him feel better.

I'm going to stop for now but I will update when the Kindle gets here.

Sunshine

Blogging Again For Today

2012-01-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

It has been a long day. I have been very anxiously awaiting my Kindle. It will be here tomorrow for sure but I had secretly hoped it would be here today. I'm very restless waiting for it. UPS usually runs around 11 am so by that time tomorrow I should have my new toy. I have wanted a Kindle ever since they first came out but they were so expensive in the beginning that I didn't think I would ever get one. Now that my dream is about to come true, I just about can't sit still. So, I am blogging again.

Dinner was good. I had my leg quarter and a salad and now as a light dessert, I'm having some berries with some splenda on them. They are very good but they are making my tummy rumble. Probably had a few too many. Either that or my stomach doesn't like splenda. Up until now, I have always used aspartame. I might just be an aspartame girl instead of a splenda girl.

Tomorrow is Thursday so we will probably be going out to dinner and to get groceries. Dail and Nick are going to go on a diet as well but they aren't too thrilled about Atkins. We are just going to set a calorie limit for them and then watch what they eat. I will try to make an appropriate shopping list tomorrow. We can pretty much eat the same things except that I will skip the starch and breads. We will see how it goes.

I don't know where we will have dinner yet but I am looking forward to going out. If the weather is bad though, we might stay home and let Dail bring something home for dinner.l

I'm getting tired now so I'm going to stop. I need to get my meds taken. The earlier I go to bed the earlier tomorrow will come.

Sunshine

Had A Long Nap

2012-01-11T16:58:00.000-05:00

It has been a long and dreary day. We have had thunder showers and cloudy skies most of the day. The sun broke through a couple of times but by the time I got outside to soak some up it was gone again. I did sit out for a few minutes but the gray skies were depressing. Just waiting here now for Dail to get home. He will be getting off at 6 and then will stop by the market on his way home. I am having the chicken leg quarters with a side salad but they all want some rice with theirs. It doesn't tempt me so I won't be indulging. After dinner, we may go over to Bethany's and Brandon's and play games. It just depends on how tired Dail is when he gets home. I talked to him earlier and there were a lot of computer problems today so he might be too tired or stressed to do anything after dinner.

Nothing much is going on except trying to kill time until Dail gets here. I miss him. The house is too quiet.

Sunshine

New Morning

2012-01-11T09:02:00.000-05:00

Here we are again, on the verge of a new day. It isn't looking great here. It is rainy and depressing so I'm keeping the curtains drawn so that I don't have to see it. My moods are easily affected by the weather so I have to be careful. I am feeling pretty good today in spite of the weather though. Just a little brain fog from my carb adventure last night but I am back on plan today and I think I will be back to myself by this evening. Bethany came by to get my bank card and I am having her pick up some chicken leg quarters. That will be supper tonight, along with a salad. The boys will also have some rice but I will skip that part. It has been a while since we had chicken quarters but they used to be a family favorite. I just haven't seen them at the market in a while. Bethany has been getting them for her family and so she offered to pick some up for us. Dail will be surprised. He loved the chicken thighs especially. I usually season them with a little season salt and paprika. I'm looking forward to dinner but at the moment, I'm not the least but hungry.

I have been tracking my Kindle shipment. It is on the way. It will be here tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it. I have been wanting one since they came out several years ago but they were so expensive when they first came out that I couldn't justify the expense. Now they are much more reasonable and I was able to get it with one with my allowance, plus a skin to protect it until I can get a cover. I also have a reading light picked out to go with it. I will order it next week with my next allowance. I found a pink cover that I love. There are no pink reading lights so I will get white. I'm very excited about this purchase and about the lending library Amazon has for its Prime members. I should have enough books to read to keep me busy for quite a long time..

Time to get myself busy and off the laptop. I will be checking in on everyone today. I hope you all have a happy hump day.

Sunshine

Home From Dinner

2012-01-10T21:12:00.000-05:00

It was a nice dinner out. I did have Eggplant Parmesan and it was wonderful. I had part of the salad that came with it and loved it. It also came with a side of spaghetti with marinara and I had one bite but then gave the rest to Dail for his lunch tomorrow. However, I blew to whole thing by ordering a piece of coconut cake to share with Nick and Dail. I ate mostly icing and of course became sick from all the sugar. It served me right and will put me back on the straight and narrow tomorrow. I'm done eating for the night now and all that food is gone. I did make up for a little of the bad behavior by going to Walmart and walking around for a while. We picked up a few things, including some Estroven. I've been out since Sunday and maybe today's little emotional meltdown was a result of hormones. Anyway, I have some now and I'm going to take it tonight and then again tomorrow and maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I just keep hoping for the best. I am not going to stay up late tonight. I'm going to bed early so I can get plenty of rest. I need to get back to my normal routine of waking at 8 am. My Kindle is on the way and that will be something to look forward to. I already have some books to put on it and maybe it will inspire me to walk down to the river and sit to read a bit in the fresh air.

Until tomorrow.

Sunshine

E2E Challenge Midweek 2 Post

2012-01-10T16:50:00.000-05:00

It is hard to believe it has been two weeks already. Time is going by fast. I was doing well until this weekend and then I kind of got a little out of control with my carbs. It just goes to show you how dangerous that first bite can be. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very restricted and within Atkins guidelines but I'm not keeping the carbs as low as I intended. I am going to change that starting tomorrow. Tonight, Dail is taking us out for a special dinner at an Italian place and though I will avoid the pasta and bread, there will be some carbs in the sauce for what I want and so I am going to wait until in the morning to start counting carbs again. I plan on having Eggplant Parmesan tonight. It will be rich and gooey and I will love it but it is the last indulgence I will allow myself for a while. I have been on plan all day today so dinner tonight shouldn't do too much damage. The scale wasn't kind to me this morning. I weighed in at 165, which is up 3 pounds from Saturday. However, I had corned beef brisket for dinner last night and so consumed a lot of salt and I forgot to weigh in today until I had had several bottles of water. I really shouldn't have stayed up so late reading last night. I just got interested in "In Cold Blood" and couldn't put it down until I finished it. I need to turn my interest into reading my challenge books so tonight before bed I will read a chapter in each of my 4 books and will post about them tomorrow. Sometimes it is difficult for me to concentrate well enough to read but I seem to be doing okay the last few day. I just need to refresh my interest in reading books related to my health and well-being.

The exercise challenge is still not happening. I just can't seem to get moving. I am a little inhibited in going to the den and getting on the treadmill because of Mike and Kailee being here. I like to walk around wearing very little and having Mike here poses a privacy problem. I think when they move out on Friday, I will be able to get myself moving more. I will be able to set all my exercise equipment back up in that bedroom and can work out in private. I don't like to workout where anyone can see me.

My buddy, Bethany, is hanging in there but is having some slips too. She is at work right now so she can't post her update yet but she is still losing on the plan in spite of a few slips. I check in with her by phone every day.

I have been by several blog to offer support so I am keeping up that end of the challenge. I am also meditating regularly if not praying for my fellow challengers.

I guess that is it for the update.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. " Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. " John Lennon

Sunshine

Sigh. More Issues

2012-01-10T13:12:00.000-05:00

Besides trying to get my food under control, I have also been trying to get my spending under control It was going well until today. I have been saving my allowance since last week because I hope to get and Android ina few weeks. Well, last night, as I was using my Kindle PC I realized that I would really like a REAL Kindle. The kind you hold in your hand. I knew that when I got my allowance this week I would have enough to get one. However, I am impatient and decided to ask Dail for my allowance early. He said no and I was absolutly heartbroken. A total overreaction on my part. It was tears and just emotional crap that I couldn't control.He finally relented but now I'm feeling not so hot for having made him feel bad. It isn't his fault that I am so emotional and I don't always need to get my way. It could have waited until Thursday when I get my allowance again. I just don't understand myself and I don't know where Dail gets his patience in dealing with me. I have been emotional all morning. Crying left and right. I think my feelings are still hurt from some of the things Kailee said last night on Facebook. I am torn between wanting her on her own and being afraid I can't cope without her here. I'm better off without her resentment. I do know that. I hope things will be better soon. I can't take much more of this roller coaster.

Sunshine

Up Late Last Night

2012-01-10T10:51:00.000-05:00

So, I know I have mentioned that I have downloaded the Kindle for PC program. It is free and allows you to purchase Kindle books to read on your computer. Well, it looks like this week my dream is finally going to come true. I will have enough saved from my allowance to get a real Kindle. I can't wait. I will get to order it on Thursday. It should be here no later than Monday. I'm so excited. I've been wanting a Kindle forever. It will be a constant companion as I love to read. In fact, I was up late last night reading on my Kindle for PC. It was an old classic. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote. I got so interested in the story that I couldn't put it down. I guess it interested me because I saw the movie "Capote" the other night and it made me think about the book, which I hadn't read in many years. The story is poignant and disturbing and I couldn't stop reading until I finished the book. Now I can focus on my challenge books, which I have neglected for the last couple of days.

Yesterday was an upsetting day. Kailee said some unkind things about me and she spent the morning with my mother, no doubt trashing. I haven't heard from my mother since before Christmas and I know she is angry that we didn't go to her house for Christmas dinner. My mother has a vindictive streak and when Kailee is about to do something that will hurt me, she always seeks her out for backup. There is nothing I can do to change Kailee's mind about leaving but she is drawing the whole thing out and causing tension ans stress in the house and I wish if they are going that they would just go. She feels I am a burden to her, even though Dail and I have been supporting her and Mike for weeks. I have dependent on her emotionally when Dail has been at work and I guess she is resenting it. She is very jealous of Nick and feels that he is spoiled. She doesn't see how difficult life is for someone with Nick's problems. This has been an issue their whole lives. She has resented him and treated him badly and he has been miserable having her here. It is for the best that they move out but it will be a difficult transition for me.

I think I need some caffeine as I'm still tired so I am going to stop now. I hope everyone is having a good week.

Sunshine

Piece Of Childhood Refound

2012-01-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

One Thanksgiving eve when I was 8 or 9 years old, I was at my grandmother's house watching television. The original version of "Dr. Doolittle" with Rex Harrison was on and I was enjoying it immensely. In the middle of the movie, my parents arrived to pick me up. I was in the untenable position of choosing whether or not to go home with them or to stay and watch the rest of the movie and spend the night with my grandmother. The choice was complicated by the fact that the previous winter I had had a nightmare in which my grandmother had been murdered and since that time had been unable to spend the night away from home. In light of the fact that I knew a panic attack would find me come bedtime if I wasn't at home, I decided to leave with my parents and miss the movie. Today, for the first time since that long ago evening, I have the opportunity to watch the original "Dr. Doolittle" on one of the movie channels. I am enjoying myself immensely and feeling a little like something lost has been given back. It is odd how something so simple can bring a good feeling. :)

I hope everyone is having a good day.

Sunshine

Early

2012-01-09T09:47:00.000-05:00

I'm up early considering how late I was up. Bethany called and they have worked out something with Carmax about their car so that they won't lose it. She will be back by soon and we are going to help as much as we can. I hate that they are going through this. They have been struggling since before Christmas and were hoping to make it through until they get their tax refund. They will be okay then but they are waiting on Brandon's W-2s. I feel for them but Dail and I aren't in good enough financial shape ourselves to help much. Anyway, I'm thankful they aren't losing the car. I don't know how they would manage without it.

I am just chilling this morning. I was up very late hoping Dail would eventually wake up and spend some time with me but he never did. I guess he was just exhausted. Hopefully, he will be awake this evening when he gets home and I will have some time with him.

I'm going to try to do some reading today. I have several books I would like to work on and then I will report later on them. I hope everyone has a great day.

Sunshine

Tagged!!!! TWICE!!!!

2012-01-09T01:18:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I have been tagged by Julie and Nanette. You can click on their names to see their responses. I usually don't do these things but this one sounded fun and I have nothing else to do tonight. I'm feeling a little down and lonely, as I blogged earlier so this will be just what I needed to give me a boost.

The first thing I have to do is share 11 random things about myself.

1. I like both cats and dogs but at the moment have 4 cats and no dogs.
2. I broke two toes in 2011 and those toes still look odd.
3. I love tie-dyed clothing.
4. From 6th grade through college, I played the clarinet and the saxophone.
5. I would love to own and learn to play the hammer dulcimer.
6. My first cat's name was Prozac.
7. My favorite forbidden snack cakes are Raspberry Zingers.
8. I'm a fan of the Twilight Saga.
9. My favorite drink is a Malibu Breeze.
10. I love anything pink.
11. I helped choose my granddaughter's name: Jasmine Ruby Irene.

Now, here are 11 questions for me to answer.

1. How did you handle a friend departing your life?

I get down and depressed when there are parting in my life. Some of the worst moments of my life involved the loss of loved ones.

2. Empty nest?

My older daughter is married and they live on their own. My younger daughter and her boyfriend are getting ready to move out next week but my son, Nicholas is autistic and will always need our care so our nest will never be completely empty.

3. am or pm workouts?

I generally work out whenever I can get my butt out of bed. I don't have a certain time of day that is better than other. My energy is usually highest though about midmorning.

4. Self employed, employed, full time, part time, retired?

I just stay home and take care of my son and my cats. I have my hands full just keeping myself together these days.

5. College? Not?

I went to college for two years a long time ago and I am currently taking online classes to finish my degree.

6. Treadmill or outside?

I prefer outside but I do have a treadmill for when the weather is bad or I just don't feel like getting dressed. The treadmill doesn't care if I am nekkid but the neighbors might.

7. Favorite candy?

I love Almond Joy candy bars.

8. Camping or hotels?

I like both. It depends on where we are going. I like the outdoors when the weather is good but I can also appreciate the benefits of a nice hotel.

9. Do you make a lot of food from scratch?

I'm usually all about convenience these days but I prefer foods made from scratch and do it when I'm up to it.

10. Do you write hand write notes or just e-mails?

I usually just email except at Christmas time when I send out a few Christmas cards.

11. Blogging a hassle or fun or just something to do?

I love blogging. It is fun and it is therapy for me. I love blogging my journey.

Now, 11 questions for YOU to answer.

1. Who is your favorite actor/actress?

2. What is your favorite movie?

3. Are you a coffee drinker?

4. Do you play a musical instrument?

5. What kind of car do you drive?

6. What brand of bath soap do you use?

7. Do you have any pets? What kind?

8. Do you have a dishwasher or do you do them the old fashioned way?

9. What type of music do you like?

10. What do you wear for sleeping?

11. Do you have any piercings? If so, where?

Now I am supposed to tag 11 people but I hate to put pressure on my blogging friends to participate if they would rather not so I'm going to leave this open for anyone who wants to do it to take it to their blog and pass on the tag.

I hope you all enjoy it. It gave me something to do and I had a good time doing it.

Sunshine

Too Much Time Alone

2012-01-08T22:45:00.000-05:00

Dail only got up long enough for dinner and then he went back to sleep. Nick got up in time for dinner but has been in the dining room on the computer since then. I have been on my own and I am very lonesome tonight. There have just been too many hours without some conversation. I like to have a little bit of solitude every day but today I have had too much. I feel sad and down and withdrawn. Kailee has been at work all day and Mike stayed in their room all day. I don't feel like going to bed yet. It is like I didn't have my day yet. I'm still waiting for it to happen.

To occupy my mind I have been watching television. I watched Capote and now I'm watching The Karate Kid. I'm TIRED of TV and movies. I would like to read or something. I just wanted to blog out my feelings so the sadness doesn't eat me up. I will probably feel better tomorrow.

Sunshine

Sundays Are Made For Contemplation

2012-01-08T13:21:00.000-05:00

I'm kind of at loose ends today. Dail is napping and I am just sitting here beside him thinking about thing. The TV is on with the volume down but I am not really watching it. I feel pretty peaceful The rest of the house is quiet too. Everyone is asleep but me. Kailee will be getting up soon to get ready for work. At least, I think she works today. The cats are also napping now though they were pretty rowdy earlier. I've had my breakfast... some leftover pot roast from dinner last night. It was good but I am stuffed. I will probably have light lunch. Maybe some yogurt.

I'm feeling generally better at the moment. I have higher hopes about getting through the winter and finishing my college degree. I have been scared of failing this class I'm in, which is about halfway done, but my have a 98 average in there. Sometimes I worry and doubt just because of my disorder and not because I have good reason to worry about doubt. I guess it goes back to childhood when nothing I did was ever good enough. It made me feel inadequate for everything. I have trouble believing I can do anything at all. Dail is the first person to give me a sense of worth and a sense that I can accomplish whatever I want to do bad enough. If I could just hold onto that confidence when things are darkest or when my disorder flares then I would be able to do more. I am starting to remember now why I decided to go back to school. I am starting to believe again that I can do it. Dail is such a great encourager. I just wish I could stay so positive all the time. I guess that is just the hell of having disordered thinking. My motivation waxes and wanes. So does my energy level.I need to learn to work around it instead of trying to fight it. Fighting my disorder wears me out and ultimately sets me back. I'm going to get back into my Mindfulness book today. I think that will help me get through the rough spots.

Anyway, I have blogged enough for now. I hope everyone is having a great Sunday.

Sunshine

Slept In This Morning

2012-01-08T11:09:00.000-05:00

Dail and I stayed up late watching movies last night. It was fun and the movies were good. I already blogged about "Red" but we also watched "Charlie St. Cloud." It was a really good and poignant movie. I'm glad it had a happy ending. I was so touched with the story that I am dying to read the book. It will have to wait for a little while though as my allowance is spoken for for the next few weeks. I am saving my allowance for an Android phone. I should have enough by the end of January. This is a real test of my saving ability. I am used to spending my allowance as fast as I get it. However, I am trying to turn over a new leaf this year and not spend all the extra money we have. So far, so good. We were able to save some money this week in spite of Dail's check being short. He will have another short check this coming week because of New Year's Day. Even though Christmas and New Year's fell on Sundays this year, the company gave the employees the next day off, paid. It is a paid day but it will be a regular paid day and will cut into Dail's overtime. Overtime is where Dail makes most of his income. He works 60-70 hours per week. It is not wonder that I don't see him much. He loves his job though so I don't say much to him about taking more time off. He is the only one who does his job at the company so there is a lot to do. He will have a busy week this coming week and will probably have to go in early every day and stay late. I am hoping they will eventually find him an assistant. The last one didn't work out.

It is supposed to rain today so I don't think we will be going hiking. Dail is still sleeping and I know he will need to rest for a while because we were up so late. I can't remember if I woke up at 8 and took my Ritalin or not so I am having to wait until 12 to take it, just in case. In the meantime, I'm trying to get some caffeine in so I can get moving. I also need to find me something for breakfast.

Got a call from Beth. She is having a difficult morning. Some people came to repossess their car. They are behind on the payments and she is scared they will lose it. Brandon isn't home and so she is trying to deal with it alone. Please remember her in your prayers. I am worried sick about her. Hopefully, we will be able to work something out with them. Dail and I will try to help. Brandon should have been home long before now and Bethany is going to have to borrow Kailee's car to go look for him. She thinks maybe the car broke down. When it rains it pours.

I'm going to stop now. I need to be available if she calls. I hope this all works out. She works so hard and this will really mess her up for a while.

Sunshine

Nice Evening

2012-01-07T23:00:00.000-05:00

It is pouring rain here in Tennessee but we are all warm and cozy indoors. I love nights like this. The anxiety has lessened and I'm feeling good. I saved up all my carbs for the day so I could have a special treat tonight. I love the Grands Jr. biscuits and so I had a couple of those with some real butter. Dinner was roast beef with a few mushrooms and onions. I stuck to my protein and fat plan all day until tonight. I won't do this often but I was just needing some comfort food and a little carb treat. I will be right back on it again tomorrow. I know it isn't a good idea to allow treats when you are in weight loss phase but I am at a normal weight for my height now so it is just icing on the cake if I lose down to where I want to be. My MD's nurse things I should stay where I am but I feel better just a few pounds thinner. So, tomorrow...back on plan and we will see how it goes.

My husband and I are watching "Red" for the fifth or sixth time now. We just can't get enough of it. I like it mostly because a childhood friend is in it. I went to school for a year with Mary-Louise Parker. She was lovely even back then and always said she wanted to be an actress. I will never forget the first time I saw her after she had made it. She was on the Tony Award show on TV. I was thrilled and stunned to see her. I doubt that she would remember me so I have never tried to contact her but I have been a fan all these years and I particularly like her in :"Red."

Almost time to call it a night. I just thought I would blog for a minute and say "Good Night."

Sunshine

Anxious This Evening

2012-01-07T16:41:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a little wired this evening. I think I had a bit too much caffeine. I need to just chill out and relax. It is a couple more hours until Dail will be home. I can't wait until he gets here. He is my ultimate de-stressor. I haven't had a lot of food today. Some pecans, yogurt, bacon, and an Atkins bar. I need to have some real food so I'm thinking of having Dail pick up a chuck roast on his way home. I love roast with mushrooms. I usually prefer to cook roasts in my slow cooker but I have also used the cooking bags for the oven to make them tender. I will probably let the boys have some potatoes and carrots with theirs. I will also add some Brussels Sprouts to the side of mine. I love Brussels Sprouts.

Nanette, I appreciate the tag but I hope you won't mind if I don't do it right away. I need a little time to get my thoughts together and then I will do it. Maybe later tonight or tomorrow. My husband is off work tomorrow and he will be sleeping so I will have plenty of time to do it then. :)

It has been a tense and stressful day in the house today. It was okay this morning as Bethany and Jasmine came by but things are tense with Kailee and Mike as I am still upset about their decision to move out. Kailee has been a lot of company to me on the long days when Dail is working and I will miss her. I also worry that they will move out and not be able to make it. There rent where they are moving will be more than they were paying us and I don't know if they will be able to do it or not. They think so. I guess I will just have to trust them to know what they are doing. It is just a sad a stressful time for me. I think though that if I wasn't already so depressed and anxious that I wouldn't be taking this so hard. It is just winter and I always have a more difficult time then. I keep looking toward spring with the hope that things will be brighter.

In the meantime, I will focus on my health and weight loss and will continue trying to get myself into an exercise program. I keep watching the mail box for our insurance cards. I wish they would get here. There are some things I need to have done soon that will be a good distraction. I need to have a mammogram and a DEXA scan. Plus, I need to make an appointment with Kristin. I haven't seen her in over a month now because of finances and because I sometimes have difficulty going out of the house. All these things can distract me from the depression if I allow them to.

I guess that is all for now. I will be checking back later, maybe. It helps me to blog when the anxiety gets high.

Sunshine

Eve 2 Easter Challenge Week 2 Check In

2012-01-07T09:44:00.000-05:00

Good morning challengers! I hope everyone is doing well this week. I have been checking in on most of you and I think we are off to a good start. Here is my update:

Today
Weight: 162
Waist 33 1/2
Hips 43
Bust: 37 1/2

As most of you know, I got a new scale mid week and that changed my starting weight from 160 to 164 so I am showing a loss this week of 2 pounds. I have also lost an inch around my waist, 2 inches around my hips and 1/2 an inch around my bust. I can't really afford to lose any around my bust as I have very small breasts but I think I am losing some back fat, of which there is still plenty.

I have not been able to read in my books every day but have been on most days. I am almost through with the Atkins book. Living low carb is at a technical chapter right now about the science of why low carb works and I am struggling to retain the information. I understand it but can't explain it. I'm sure this is part of my disorder that is keeping me from reading. However, I intend to do better next week even if it is only to read a couple of paragraphs every day. I am also adding a 4th book. The Mindful Way Through Depression. You will see it over on the sidebar of my blog. I started it a while back and never finished it. It was really helping and now I'm going to redouble my efforts to works through this winter depression so that I can be more functional.

I have gotten all my water in every day So no problem there.

I have stayed on plan except for one day when I went a little over my carb limit. Overall Atkins is working for me and altogether since I started the plan, I've lost 7 pounds.

Exercise has not been good. I really need to do better. I just can't seem to make myself do it. I will try harder this week just to do SOMETHING.

I have been around to visit most of you this week to offer some support and encouragement. I didn't get to all of you every day but I got to most of you at least a couple of times during the week.

I spent quite a bit of time in meditation. I'm still finding it difficult to pray but I have been sitting still and just letting my mind go free to foster some inner peace. Sometimes I just have to be still and KNOW.

I still have the same mottos this week.

"Dare you to move, dare you to move, dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon.

Sunshine

Preparing For Tomorrow

2012-01-06T19:37:00.000-05:00

The night is still young but I am really tired. I'm trying to get into health conscious mode before tomorrow. I haven't really been off plan, though I did go over my carb limit yesterday. Anyway, tomorrow I will be doing measurements and weighing in and will post my update to E2E. In the meantime, I thought I would blog a little. I already know that I am not going to be happy with the weigh in. It will be more than last week because of the3 differences in my daughter's old scale and my new one. Plus, I seem to be retaining water today. Not as much peeing going on as usual even though I got in all my fluids today.

We had burgers again tonight but this time they came from Wendy's. I took the bread off mine so I should be on plan unless Wendy's uses some type of filler that I don't know about. I was very good and didn't even look twice at Nick's fries. I don't usually like to have the same dinner two nights in a row but I didn't feel like going out tonight and Dail chose the restaurant. It works in a pinch.The burger was really good and now I am stuffed.

Bethany came by and brought me some Splenda. She and Brandon were going out for a steak. She told me that the break from school might be temporary. She is just overwhelmed with so much going on in her life right now. She has been struggling to get through algebra and it has her very stressed out. She has been unable to find a tutor. Hopefully, she will eventually go back and finish later on. She is a very bright young lady and I know she can do it if she decides that is what she wants.

I talked to Kailee too. She and Mike have found a place where they can be on their own. They are going to reimburse us after they get their tax returns. The place they are going is very close to Kailee's work so she will be able to walk and save a lot on gas money. They will be moving out on Friday. I will just have to get used to being more on my own around here again.

I hope the scale is kind to me tomorrow. I am feeling a little weak. I haven't had any carbs today so maybe I should have a few.

Sunshine

Too Much All At Once

2012-01-06T15:35:00.000-05:00

So much to deal with today. This morning I read Bethany's blog and found out she is dropping out of school. I feel partly responsible because I haven't put enough emphasis on college. I am afraid that she is giving up because I am struggling and thinking of dropping out myself. I hate to set a bad example but I think that is exactly what I have done. I can't get in touch with Bethany and she blogged about this instead of telling me herself so I am a little upset that she didn't talk to me about it.

Then, there is Kailee. She left a little while ago and just now I see that she posted on Facebook that she and Mike are moving out next Friday. I didn't have a clue and she didn't mention it when she was in here this morning. She and Mike owe us quite a bit of money as we have been supporting them for many weeks now. It will be a burden off us to have them move out but they promised to repay us for what we have given them so far. I don't know what will happen there but I have a bad feeling about it.

It seems that I am the last to know everything around here and I'm feeling very disappointed that my girls couldn't be bothered to talk to me about these things. It hasn't been a good day and I really just want to take a nap and pretend that none of this ever happened.

Sunshine

BYOC Holiday Version

2012-01-06T12:48:00.000-05:00

1. How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?

I made some resolutions but I didn't wait until New Years Day to start them. I think it is good to reevaluate your life at the end of a year and to aspire to change the things you don't like about your life. I have several changes on my list but I started the day after Christmas.

2. Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?

I put up one big Christmas tree. I don't have any others. We did put some icicle lights around the roof of our porch but that is about all we did besides the wreath on the door. We are planning to go all out next year. We started an account just for Christmas expenses. We took the tree down just a day or two after New Year's Day.

3. How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?

We were supposed to meet with Dail's mother and with my mother too but we cancelled both because I just wasn't up to dealing with the stress that always comes with seeing them.

4. What are you most looking forward to this year?

Spring and SUNSHINE! I can't wait to get back out in the sunshine and the warmer weather. My mood will greatly improve and I will find some happiness again.

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland this week.

Real life has been up and down and somewhat stressful this week. I am holding on tightly to my stability. I am fighting depression and anxiety but that is normal for me for this time of year. Blog land has been great. I have had a lot of support from friends and I appreciate them greatly. I don't have a lot of real life friends as I don't get out much so I depend a lot on my online friends. They never let me down.

Sunshine

Getting Ready For Bed

2012-01-05T23:33:00.000-05:00

It has been a fairly long day and it is time to go to bed. I thought I would blog for just a few minutes before I turn off the light and the TV. Dail is sitting beside me, eating potato chips and tempting me beyond reason. I have already had more carbs than my plan allows so even a bite or two is not an option. I gave in to some cravings earlier but I don't intend to compound the mistake. I'm going to take my nighttime meds soon and then I will be in dreamland and can't be tempted.

I'm feeling better than I did earlier. I'm not as anxious and I was able to get my work done for class tonight. Just having Dail home makes me less anxious. However, he can't stay here and babysit me all day. He was pretty busy at work today so I didn't get to talk to him as much as usual. He will be going in early again tomorrow. There is a project he is working on there and I can't call him as often as I usually do. It is almost Saturday though and then I will be able really keep in touch with him. He wants us to go out tomorrow night. It should be fun. We are going to dinner and then to get groceries. I'm not sure whether or not Kailee and Mike will be with us or if it will just be Dail and Nick and myself. I guess I will find out tomorrow.

I'm finally getting sleepy so I should probably stop. Frasier is on and I am having trouble concentrating on blogging. However, I am too tired to really get what is going on. I hope everyone sleeps well.

Sunshine

Changes

2012-01-05T15:32:00.000-05:00

I think part of the reason I'm struggling with the exercise thing is that I'm making so many changes all at once. I am trying to control not just my food choices, but also my spending. We are trying to save some money back for some specific purposes and that means that I can't go out of control and buy everything I want anymore. Spending money and eating junk are stress relievers for me. Now that I don't have those, I have to find other ways of self soothing. All I have now is blogging and trying to stay busy. I also have school but it is a stress. If I can just get used to this new routine, it will be all right. Change is never easy and with my disorder, it is particularly difficult. It is a new year and it is time to make myself over into a healthier person both physically and mentally. This is a period of adjustment and it will be rough but I know if I can see it through to get to the other side, I will be better off in the long run.

In the middle of all this, I am trying to CONTROL MYSELF. My moods are swinging wildly and my thoughts race from one thing to the next when my disorder flares so it feels like everything in my life is out of control. Trying to get ANYTHING in control takes a major effort and it is exhausting. But that is what I have to do if I want to have anything approaching a normal life. I need to get back in therapy. That is something I will do as soon as we get our insurance cards. I will see Dr. G regularly. I will continue to take my medications. I will blog as often as I need to to relieve my stress. I will try harder to get moving in some way. I know I can do it if I can just breach the mental barriers.

Things have got to get better. I can't live like this forever.

Sunshine

A Little Anxious Today

2012-01-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a little anxious so I thought I would blog. I've been out of caffeine for the last couple of days but found a box of caffeinated water mix today. I was falling asleep so easily this morning even after my Ritalin that I decided to have some caffeine. Now I am a little shaky and anxious. No particular reason but it helps me to be able to DO something so here I am with a blog update.

The scale was down two pounds this morning. I probably won't blog my weight every day as I'm sure I will be bouncing around a lot but it makes me feel better to see the scale moving down after seeing the difference between my new scale and my daughter's scale. I seem to be headed in the right direction. I'm hoping so anyway. The cravings and head hunger issues I was having a few days ago seem to be gone now. I still haven't breached the exercise gap though. We may be going out shopping tonight though and I will get in some walking then. If not, I will try to get on the treadmill. I don't know what is so hard for me about it. It is just a mind game I think. It feels like moving a mountain. A lot of tasks in my life feel like moving mountains and so much gets left undone. I have got to beat this thing so that I can have a more normal life.

Well, I need to get some more water in so I am going to stop now. This helped me to calm down a bit. I will check in on everyone as you blog. I wish everyone a good rest of the day.

Sunshine

10 Things Thursday: For Laura and For Myself

2012-01-05T09:25:00.000-05:00

Last week I just posted random info about me. Laura posted New Year's Resolutions on her blog today so I think I'm going to take a page from her and post 10 things I would like to change in the coming year.

1. Get my house CLEAN. It is a real bear pit an has been for a while. I just haven't had the energy to do it and it makes e and Dail both feel bad to see it in a mess. I need to set some rules for the kids about cleaning after themselves and then enforce the rules. This will be a priority.

2. Learn to work around my disorder. It is ruling my life right now and that is not a good thing. I need to accept my limitations and develop some peace of mind so that I can live a relatively normal life. The harder I fight the disorder the worse it is for me. I need to work with it and through it to be functional..

3. Finish the classes I started. I have two classes I need to complete before I can make an intelligent decision about dropping out. I need to finish the current class and then prepare myself for the next class so that I don't lose my financial aid and that way I can leave the door open to going back if I decide to.

4. Take better care of myself. My appearance has gone downhill with my mental stability. I haven't really dressed up or fixed my hair and makeup in quite a while. I was a real girly girl there for a while but now I just don't have the energy. I would like to get back to the place where I take pride in grooming and looking my best.

5.Make more effort with Nicholas. He is getting drawn more and more into a computer game and it isn't healthy for him. I hope to draw him out more and get him to go hiking and fishing with me and Dail when the weather is warmer. Nick needs the fresh air and exercise and I hope to get him to go on our camping trips with us.

6. Learn to fly fish.. I have never done fly fishing but it looks like fun and now that I have a fly rod I hope to put it to good use. I want to be able to fly fish like an expert and to catch trout in the national park using only flies.

7.Get outside every warm day. I have a new medicine I'm on that says for me not to be out in the sun but I want to be able to get outside anyway when the weather is warming. I will just have to invest in some sunscreen.

8.Get a book about Andy Kaufman and read about the REAL Andy. I loved his work, even his more offensive stuff with the wrestling. I just GOT him and I think it is a tragedy that he died so young. I would really like to know more about his life and relationships. His best friend, Bob Zmuda, wrote a biography and I hope to order it some time this year and read it.

9.Redevelop my faith in God. It has been lacking lately as I have been feeling all alone with my disorder but underneath, there is still a strong core of belief that I will be taken care of. I do have an attitude problem though. I am angry that I am being tested and tried by fire and I know the testing will continue until I learn the lesson. I just don't know what the lesson is and I'm at the end of my rope with the mental pain. I need to humble myself and accept what is. I guess I just haven't been ready to do that so far. I hope that this year, I will finally get through the trial and be at peace in my heart and mind again.

10. To become the active individual I know I was meant to be. I am entirely too sedentary. I need to be using my thinner self to get in shape. I just don't seem to have the drive and it is time to push myself a bit until I get there. My goal is to get back into hiking and to back country camping and to be an outdoors type woman for this year and all the years to come. I know that I have it in me. I just need to find a way to tap into it.

These are my 10 things. I hope they are all attainable.

Sunshine

It's Dark Out

2012-01-04T18:23:00.000-05:00

Dail is working late tonight and I am feeling a little unsettled so I thought I would blog a little. He doesn't usually have to work much past 6 but the company got a new server and he has to do some updates. I'm not sure what time he will be able to get home. He is going to pick up the stuff to make spaghetti for the family tonight. I'm going to have steak and mushrooms again. I could eat steak every day if I could afford it. I have been craving some scallops though. I might see about getting some when we get groceries this week. I must say that it can be expensive to do Atkins if you really use the variety of foods that are on the plan. Money has been tight since Christmas. Really it was tight before that, too. Kailee and Mike have not been able to pay their part on the bills. They have promised to make it up to us when they get their tax refunds. I hope they will. Anyway, it has been difficult up to this point to be able to get everything we need for Atkins. I think Dail and Nick and I could do it and maybe let Kailee and Mike do their own food. That will take some of the burden off of us and they can eat what they want.

It has been a little bit of a down and anxious day. School has me stressed because I really don't want to be there. I just don't care about getting my degree anymore. I just want to get through the days SANELY. But, I am between a rock and a hard place with school. If I don't finished this class and the next one. I will lose all the financial aid I have gotten so far and will owe a debt to the school as well as to the government loan place. I feel very PRESSURED to see it through and that is causing all kinds of anxiety. It is a vicious cycle. The stress makes my disorder flare and my disorder makes everything bigger and more stressful. There is no end to it.

I rescheduled my appointment with Dr. G for next Tuesday. She wasn't happy about me missing yesterday but I just couldn't go out. I will HAVE to go out next week.

Well, once again, I need to stop. I am depressing myself and probably all of you. I will be better when Dail gets home.

Sunshine

My New Scale

2012-01-04T13:25:00.000-05:00

Well, my new scale arrived and after the initial hustling around to find some batteries, I was able to weigh in. I'm a little upset by the weigh in as it is higher than I expected. It means that Saturday's weigh in on Bethany's scale was inaccurate. I haven't lost as much as I thought I had since last Monday. My weight today, after 3 bottles of water and some yogurt is 164. So, what to do now? After thinking about it for a while I decided to just start again from here. What counts now is where I go from here. My weight last Monday was 169 so I am still down several pounds since starting the Atkins plan so I shouldn't be too upset. It is a setback but not a true gain. Just a bad scale and some confusion. I was afraid this might happen when I realized my old scale was dying. I don't know how long it was misleading me about my true weight. All I know for sure is that my clothes are fitting better and I have been sticking to the plan so the weight should be coming off. I'm looking forward to weighing in tomorrow and hopefully seeing a lower number.

I never made it to the treadmill last night but I did make it into the tub for a long soak. Dail sat with me and we talked for a while. Later we had a "wrestling" match that Dail said I should count as my exercise for the day. What do you think? Does it count? Half an hour of serious cuddling is better than no exercise at all..:)

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with an update on the scale situation. I am a little discouraged but glad to have what seems to be an accurate working scale.

Sunshine

Good Dinner!

2012-01-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

I had pan-fried steak and mushrooms for dinner tonight. It was SO good. I LOVE the Atkins plan. Dail made dinner tonight and I appreciate him so much. He is playing WOW right now but in a little while we are going to the treadmill to get in some minutes and then I am going to get a good hot bath. It has been a couple of days as I have been down and out. I don't always take the best care of myself as staying calm sometimes take priority. The holidays inspired some panic attacks and I'm still recovering from that. I wish it was SPRING and the SUN was shining so I could feel better. The E2E challenge will hopefully help get me through the darkest months of the winter. It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was supposed to see Dr. G today but Kailee went to Gatlinburg early this morning so I didn't have a ride. I called and cancelled but I haven't heard back from Dr. G yet. I will reschedule for next week if she has a time available. I missed seeing her though and I feel very much on my own dealing with my Schizoaffective Disorder.

I have a couple of questions for Anne, too. Anne, I hope you come by tonight. I am wondering if my carbs can be too low and what happens if they are too low. I have almost no energy and I was certainly panicky today. I just didn't feel well but this evening I realized I had had virtually no carbs today. I rectified the situation as soon as I realized and I'm feeling better. Anyway, I'm just wondering what happens if I go too low carb.

I will stop with this. Thanks to everyone who came to encourage me to move. I need to get moving for sure.

Sunshine

Eve 2 Easter Challenge Midweek Update #1

2012-01-03T13:00:00.001-05:00

Well, challengers... so far, so good. I have been on plan for over a week now and am according to my calculations I'm down 11 pounds since I started my low carb plan last Monday and I'm down about 3 pounds since Saturday when I started the challenge. My unofficial weigh in today is 158. I have no idea if this is completely accurate. My deceased scale has temporarily resurrected, as in it is showing numbers now, but I have no way of knowing how accurate it is. My new scale will be here tomorrow and I will post that weight no matter what it is and I will start fresh with a new scale. Hopefully, it won't be too far off either way. All I can say for sure is that I SHOULD be losing as I am sticking to the Atkins plan religiously. I have maintained my limit of 40 grams of carbs per day. I will sat though that my appetite is way down and it is possible that I am not getting enough calories. I need to log everything and that will be my goal for the next week.

I have been lax on the exercise front too. I am hoping some of you can get my but in gear for me. I just don't feel like doing anything with the depression and all. I know that exercise will help my depression but taking that first step to GET UP is proving difficult.

My water is good. I'm getting in more than my goal of 6 bottle of water a day. I feel good and hydrated.

I have been around to several blog to offer support. Many people have stopped by here too and I appreciate all the concern and advice. It really does help to have friends who are cheering you on.

I'm still reading chapter 2 of Living Low Carb and it is giving the specifics of why low carb diets work when others do not. It is talking about the dangers of insulin and insulin resistance and how too much insulin (caused by consuming too many carbs) can cause high cholesterol and high triglycerides and lead to heartt disease, hypertension, and diabetes. FAT has taken the blame for these ailments but there is evidence to show that CARBS are the real danger. It is an interesting and informative chapter. I can't wait to get through more of it.

I guess this is all for my midweek update. I will post a new weight tomorrow when my new scale arrives.

Sunshine

ETA: Challenge Quotes

"Dare you to move, dare you to move. Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor." Switchfoot
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon

Pretty, White, Fluffy Stuff

2012-01-03T12:15:00.000-05:00

Yes. We got a little snow here last night. Not much. Just enough to be pretty. There is a little ice on the roads in our subdivision though and Kailee passed a truck this morning that was head first in a ditch. People just can't seem to drive anymore on snow or ice. People with trucks are particularly ignorant and think they are invincible. That is why every winter we see all kinds of 4 wheel drives in the ditches or crashed into each other. It only takes a little common sense to drive on snow and ice but the redneck atmosphere here is too much for some people and they have to get out and try to show off their superior driving skills. LOL. We always just take out time and wave as we drive by them.

Anyway, I'm pleased to see the white stuff. The sun is out now though so the snow won't last long now. It is only a couple of inches. It is FREEZING outside though so I won't be going out. I called and canceled my appointment with Dr. G. I'm not sure if she was able to get out or not. She lives in Knoxville and it is quite a drive up from there.

Getting ready to have some scrambled eggs for breakfast. Sounds good to me. I have only had an Atkins bar so far. It was good but I want to warm, rib-sticking food. I love eggs. I will add some bacon to them later.

It feels odd not to be able to weigh. My old scale is showing some signs of life now but I can't trust the numbers on it. My new one should be here sometimes in the morning. I will have to start my new weigh in numbers from there. I hope it will show me close to where I started on Bethany's scale. Shortly after the weigh in, Bethany's scale went wonky too and she has just bought herself a new one. She will probably blog about it later. She is at work right now.

I hope everyone is having a nice day.

Sunshine

Satiated But Psychologically STARVING

2012-01-02T22:13:00.000-05:00

Can any of you relate to this? I haven't had a lot of food today. I have food in the house that is okay with my plan. When I take a bite of it, I don't want it. But my mind is telling me that I need some crackers or some bread or some pasta. I'm not hungry but I'm STARVING. It makes absolutely no sense. This is why people can't stop eating junk food. It is addictive not just physically, but MENTALLY as well. How do you FIX YOUR HEAD when it is broken? I've stopped the madness. I've stopped the crazy eating. How do I stop my mind from craving the junk? How do you stop hunger that isn't really hunger? What fills the void? I appreciate all thoughts and suggestions on this. I am really struggling tonight. I want to eat but I can't eat what I'm allowed to have. It is driving me nuts.

Sunshine